You Own Me

You know, I’m afraid of leaving you…

You’ll make me sick, that’s what you’ll do!

You’ll make me crave you all over again,

Nowhere to go, you’re my only friend

Without you, I’m completely lost

I’ll give up anything, no matter the cost.

I’ll do anything I can to get you back,

Spend my last dollar? Yeah, That’s a fact!

You consume me and make me feel good,

Better than anything else ever could.

It’s me and you against the world, you made me feel

You told me you would fix me and all my pain would heal.

So I believed you, and all your lies

Because I thought you saved me from my own demise.

But the whole time I thought you weren’t fake,

You were really an evil, conniving snake

My soul and energy you were there to take

You took all of me, for heavens sake!

Why do I spend all this money for you to make me fall asleep

And when I’m broke you disappear and leave me to weep

I’ll give anything for you to make me numb,

Cause I could careless, when you make me nod, I look dumb…

Do you take care of me? Nah, you make me weak!

You make me slur every-time I speak

When times get too tough….

You call my bluff,

Tell me “you go find a way”

“Or your not getting high today”

“Forget the bills, I own your pay”

“Now Shut up!! I have the final say!”

Now you’ve destroyed my life,

I’m No longer a mom or wife

My life belongs to me no more,

I’m just an addict and a dirty whore.

Now death seems my only escape from this hell

When will it happen? Only time will tell.

Addiction left scars upon my face,

The old me has vanished without a trace.

I’ve lost my mind,

Caught in a bind.

Is there hope?

Can someone please save me from this dope?

I’ve dealt with addiction for most of my adult life. It’s made my life feel like a prison. Here, I was no longer living, I was existing. I lost the “joy” of normal things. I was no longer me. Heroin owned me. Consumed me. My parents lost a daughter, my aunt lost a niece, my kids lost a mother, my siblings lost a sister. Not only did addiction hurt me, it hurt all who loved me. I can remember thinking, “I’m only hurting myself”…. Man was I wrong. Now, I am 2 years clean and completely weighed down with guilt, shame, regret… I broke free from addiction’s claws! Well.. I thought I did. I hurt so many people I loved. So many people I would never dream of hurting. People I hurt, not realizing I was hurting. The drugs made me different. So much so, I didn’t recognize myself. I look back and wonder, how did this happen? How did so much of me slip away, that I became exactly who I never wanted to be. My kids grew up, I missed that. I can’t get that back!!! I hate myself for that. Shock. Pain. Awful excruciating pain. I try to visualize what they had to endure having me as their mother. God, I love them so much! How could I have done this? I make myself sick! What’s done can’t be undone. What’s happened can’t be erased. I can try to mend what I have broken, but in reality, it will never again be right. ”I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. But how do I make things right, when doing that is impossible? Everyday I search for ways to cope with all I’ve done, repair the best I can of what I have broken. My family is my reason, my lifeline, my heartbeat. Something I heard in rehab shaped my path… “Addiction is giving up everything for one thing. Recovery is giving up one thing for everything”.