you don't see my true colors

"suck it up buttercup"

you always said that to me when i got emotional.

"life's tough, get over it"

i laughed out of spite earlier when i told myself to "suck it up" as i decided to stop crying

swallow your emotions. even if you choke on it.

better to be convenient and easy than complex and difficult

you praised me as being the "easy child"

oh how shocked you'd be if i told you i just suppressed my sadness & ignored my struggles.

never daring to challenge your perception of my "easiness"

i've made my peace with how you treated my fervor,

but the constant cycles of you rewriting my heart doesn't fail to anger.

maybe if i were different, "the easy child" in actuality, and not in my facade of perfection i so meticulously crafted

maybe then you'd see me. maybe then you'd hear me. maybe then i'd be taken seriously

you tell me how you're frustrated that i have all of these issues

when they've been there all along, i just ignored them to not cloud my picture perfect image, and never dared to share it for fear of risk losing your love

maybe i never had it. maybe you have never truly loved me. if some part of you always despised my emotions.

i don't want to paint you out as a villain but the damage you've done is irreparable.

perhaps you can change. learn to sew, learn to read the directions of how to deal with me.

perhaps you never will. and i have to make peace with this.

stop this constant battle, and stop fighting

because in the end, it's me opening up my heart and you spitting on it

i hesitate to dramatize and poeticize my emotions now.

as you called me "dramatic" at 16 when i had a panic attack over a bully

yet i am still able to lace my words together, stringing them into the perfect work of art.

perhaps if it were about something else you'd even like it.

perhaps you wouldn't care to open yourself up to understand.

maybe if i were different, a better painter, a straighter line, a neatly trimmed work of art.

maybe if my brain weren't messed up and chemically imbalanced. maybe if i weren't so emotional.

maybe maybe maybe

but i can't live in maybes. i can't live in this constant begging for love and understanding.

gaslight? maybe. invalidate? definitely. blame? absolutely. deflect? undoubtedly.

i hope i don't always feel this spite towards you.

i hope one day you will respect me. i hope one day i won't be shamed for wearing what i want.

i hope one day you will be proud of me. i hope one day you will stop shaming me.

all i can do now is hope.

because i've been tugging for years on a rope, trying to drag it towards me.

only to find that you weren't tied to the other end.

you held the scissors that cut it.

or maybe you were never tied to me to begin with.

rather you were always staring at a perfectly photoshopped version of myself.

while i was screaming inside "see me. hear me. understand me."

"accept me. love me."

my voice grows hoarse from shouting to get your attention. and maybe if i had started yelling years ago... maybe.

i must rest now. for i am too tired, too drained to continue this merry go round of pain.

i must get off. sit down, have some ice cream with a friend. someone who speaks my language and sees my colors.

without needing to be taught how.

i'll put rainbow sprinkles on mine, lean over as i eat it and my boobs will squish together. they won't comment to cover up or for me to go change, or grow up.

we'll laugh and bond and cry and it'll be what we never had. perhaps something much lighter and happier, more accepting and carefree

then i'll lay down in the grass and just be. until the sky turns purple i will watch the clouds.

and i will just breathe.

there, with a friend who sees me, i can just be

finally, at last, just be.