Words

Awkward...

Not sure how to approach,

or what subject to broach.

Struggle with basic conversation,

much better with distant observation.

Building up the guts to try,

just to be shot down, with a straight up deny.

Always living in my head,

tearing every thought to a shred.

It’s really hard to move forward,

when you’re socially awkward.

It’s easier to hide behind screens,

instead of living out dreams...

***

When you know, so you feel a little...

When you know it’s not reciprocated but something deep down makes you wonder if it is, so you attempt to keep the dialogue going but he barely knows you exist, so you feel a little bewildered.

When you know you should have called instead of text but were paralyzed with what if’s and felt the safety net of using your words but not your voice, so you feel a little anxious.

When you know you had a fleeting moment that has long gone. That time you should have said fuck it and shown up but you just didn’t have it in you, so you feel a little regret.

When you know you’ve tried too hard the wrong way and it’s time to stop because he’s probably wondering who this strange and crazy woman is, so you feel a little embarrassed.

When you know it seems irrational, even though you know why you feel the way you do but still struggle to give these feelings true reason, so you feel a little nuts.

When you know you should but you just can’t switch it off. You think there may-be a connection, so you feel a little imaginative.

When you know that love is a rare and beautiful opportunity that could grow from a simple smile. Then you put yourself out there, so you feel a little vulnerable.

***

Grounded

Feet in the grass, head in the clouds, heart on my sleeve...

Swelling heart, racing mind, wishing I could ground myself...

Don’t know him, not sure how, floating thoughts, need to ground my heart...

***

Phantom Affliction

I have a confession I came off a session... I thought it was tight, but I’m not feeling right.

I didn’t come off that bender, very well... Ever since then it’s been merry hell.

It was 3 straight days I was stuck in that haze.

My mind is a mess from the self-inflicted stress.

Now I’m seeing shit from a single hit, had an MRI, I’ve been made to go dry.

Its curiously disconcerting, I’m physically hurting. This powder called coke is no kinda joke.

My head pounds like a gong, they find nothing wrong.

I’ve got a phantom affliction from this thing called addiction.

***

Remember this...

You’re allowed to have shit days, you’re allowed to want to give up and you’re allowed to say Fuck you world and feel sorry for yourself.

Then curl into a ball and cry until you can’t cry anymore... Cry until all the fabric around you is a soggy mess and there is nothing left to dry your eyes with.

Eat some comfort food, watch a sad film, listen to an emotional song, cuddle the dog - Dogs always understand. Have a moan at whoever is around just because and you feel like it.

You’re not a robot... Are you? You’re a fleshy teenage super-hero I thought. So, this is going to happen from time to time.

Take your moment, take them as often as you need to. Then regroup and you’ll be up at the world being a superhero again in no time at all.

Even superheroes need some time to themselves to live in their heads a bit... Just don’t stay there too long, the world needs you.

***

The Little Things

What makes me happy... Sunshine, the smell of fresh cut grass, the cold side of the pillow, hugs, lucid dreaming, sharing a meal with loved ones, food made with love, French kissing, the first snowfall, reading, films that inspire or give you a "aha" moment, seeing my son smile and hearing him laugh, the smell of fresh herbs on your hands when you run your fingers through them, my girls Ginger and Jasmine even though they are stinky little dogs, laying in the sun and just feeling like a warm blanket is all over my body, music because it makes the world go around, first sip of red wine in the autumn, first sip of white in the summer, cheese on toast... If someone makes you cheese on toast they must really, really love you, that look you share with someone when you both just get it, meeting and learning everything about a new person, photographing insects, the feeling of freshly shaved legs in a freshly made bed, the smell of fresh cut fruit, seeing shapes in the clouds, walking in the woods in the snow with a full moon because it is magic, gardening, skinny dipping, an open fire and the smell of burning wood, learning new things, having someone change my mind about something and really believing in what they have to say, star gazing and realizing our place in the universe, smiles, the smell of rotting leaves in the autumn, the sound of Cicada's in the summer, watching bugs do their thing, walking in nature, talking on the phone, visits with people I feel connected too, road trips, painting, sculpting and drawing, lazy pyjama days, honey... I love honey!

I find pleasure in the little things...

***

Change

Change happens... Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes we sigh in relief. Sometimes change is thrust upon us and isn't our choice. Sometimes we just snap inside and force change upon ourselves because even if we don't want it, we know it is what is best for us.

Change is always a fresh start, a new beginning. If we are still for long enough, we can hear the magic coming from inside... Giving us clues on how to change and in some cases providing the map for our journey...

Change is the voice inside and when we start to listen... The Universe will do everything within her power to make it so, but first we have to let go of the past from before maintaining the essence of who we are today.

Change happens... Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes we sigh in relief. Sometimes change is thrust upon us and isn't our choice. Sometimes we just snap inside and force change upon ourselves because even if we don't want it, we know it is what is best for us.

Change is always a fresh start, a new beginning. If we are still for long enough, we can hear the magic coming from inside... Giving us clues on how to change and in some cases providing the map for our journey...

Change is the voice inside and when we start to listen... The Universe will do everything within her power to make it so, but first we have to let go of the past from before maintaining the essence of who we are.