While I Still Love You

Heartbreak is writing this, trying to metabolize the sadness so I don’t have to feel it. It’s getting this out so someone can read and feel it with me.

You asked me once if I would write about you, as you read all the other stories about my past loves. I didn’t answer but my head went "when we’re not together." I’m writing this while I still love you.

Heartbreak is knowing what I did wrong and wishing you could change your mind about me. I’ve never wanted someone to change their mind about me as badly as I would like you to. Heartbreak is wishing it was you. You had wanted to fall in love, and I had hoped it would be with me. You almost did too.

Heartbreak is hoping you’ll find this. Heartbreak is knowing this is not going to be enough. That the words here are pointless to you.

Heartbreak is vast. I can’t encapsulate it here. How I planned for your touch to be consistent in my life. How I thought I had you for a segment of forever, as you had said. You finally convinced me and now I’m the one crying.

Heartbreak is we were great last week.

What else is there to write about? Where else am I pathetic for you? What do I have to say that’s new? Nothing, except that it’s about you. It’s your first time breaking someone else’s heart. I tend to be the trainer. The "you’ll do this better on the next one" type.

Heartbreak is already thinking about how you’ll find someone new, a better match, and you’ll treat her the way you treated me, even better, and I am only a memory of someone you practiced on.

Heartbreak is bleeding my tears dry, distilling them into the barrel of a pen to -

Heartbreak is just wanting to sleep but knowing it will not come easy.

Heartbreak is getting used to sleeping alone again. Heartbreak is when you wanted to hold my heart and can no longer bear to look at it.

Heartbreak is letting you into my peace and now letting you disrupt it. Heartbreak is begging someone to take you, swearing that you are theirs, and them saying no.

I write this as I still love you, waiting for you to find it within yourself to love me too and knowing that I will die before you lose your self-respect.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for reading.