What is this feeling?

What is the name of that feeling

That encompasses your entire being

When you hate yourself

And when you know others hate you

And you hate that they hate you

But you just hate yourself even more

Because you know you deserve it

.

What is that sinking feeling

That makes your heart hurt in your chest

But the ache is so dull you think maybe it doesn’t actually hurt at all

And there are knots in your stomach

Even though you feel completely empty inside

At the same time

And you feel like you’re outside of your body

But still too present for your own liking

Because you’d rather be anywhere but where you are

.

What is this feeling that is so overwhelming

It takes precedent over anything else that may exist within you

That it removes all hunger

For nourishment and for life

And it rips any smile away from your face

The second your lips try to lift upward

And can only be masked for as long as necessary

To prevent suspicion

Before returning at full force

When you’re alone once again

.

What is that insidious feeling

That creeps up your throat

And threatens to choke you with the reminder

That you must feel bad or you’re not living correctly

Because you did something wrong

Whether you know it or not

Just by existing the way you do

And no matter what situation you’re in

You can’t forget

You must be reminded

And you must choke

.

What is the name of that feeling

Where you want so desperately to pull away

Because you think space will heal you

But when you’re alone you still

Silently beg for anyone to come help you

But the words refuse to come out

Because your mind won’t let them

All that you can offer is a sickening silence

Because this unknown sensation clogs your words

That you don’t deserve to say anyway

.

What is that feeling that makes you want to apologize

For feeling it so deeply

And causing the tension that seeps from your entire being

Until it is permeated throughout the air

But you’re afraid to

Because you’re afraid of admitting you’re wrong

Even though you already have in your head

Over and over again

And the feeling becomes stronger and stronger

With each admittance

And you sink lower and lower

But still you go

No where

.

What is that feeling that makes you wish it didn’t exist

Or that you didn’t exist

And that it would be so much easier if you didn’t feel anything at all

Like you would do anything to get rid of this feeling

Even if it resulted in feeling nothing ever again

.

What is this feeling

And how can I make it go away