What I'll never say...

What is that to never speak of?

But then decide to write about?

That seems like a contradiction,

I would never let those thoughts out!

Maybe I would never speak of...

The fear that I have that maybe...

I'm just a fraudster or fake...

pretending authenticity?

I found out that it's common...

Sadly for autism, this feeling

like we are faking our way, life...

I hate (like?) sharing this feeling.

No more hearing repeated shares:

You are awesome and amazing!

The goal is to find what I lack...

Where's feedback I'm wanting?

But perhaps that is what I am...

truly scared to admit or say...

because then I would have to see,

say that maybe I'm okay?

If I acknowledge my success...

I'm scared of losing it all.

I already walked that road...

My glee? Precursor of the fall.

Articulate and clear with words,

yet so very misunderstood!

I don't do what, that I should,

or that is what I understood.

I tried to make a brand new friend...

I believed we had made progress...

but then? I made a bad blunder.

I pulled back, a major regress.

I do not understand stuff like...

how does one go and delve safely

from basics: what stuff do you like?

To depth that I need intensely?

How is it that I can hold space...

that's unreplicatable...

Yet cannot create a friendship?

Am I that scary, unstable?

Is intensely loving so wrong?

My depth truly unmatchable?

My pure intentions so shocking?

These thoughts are unfathomable!

I am so grateful for those few...

who have adopted me and stayed.

Allowed me to just have my depth...

this debt: never to be repaid!

They are so protective of me!

I get grumpy at times because...

I can take care of me, myself!

But I miss evil doings 'cause...

I cannot imagine a soul

choosing that path, joining a hive...

simply out of the ease that choice...

of robbing others joy can give.

So maybe I am scared to death...

Of holding a treasure within...

which I cannot protect myself?

Yet still not enough for heaven.

Some may argue, but facts are facts.

I have been through just enough hell

to know that whatever inside

of me is counted as good, well...

There is that darkness within me,

Something that will not give me peace

And until that is destroyed...

Heavenly scenes won't show peace.

Love conquers all, this I know, so...

Love myself... but not all of me.

Can use hatred to make changes:

Hate myself... but not entirely.

So here's to all of my thoughts...

I would never speak a word of...

Because they are confusing, but

Bringing God laughter, there above?

I know who made me afterall!

He created a mix: all spice...

a heart like His, with promised love,

and heaping loads of something nice.