what i am looking for

he asked me

if i was looking for something

when i spent too many nights

at the foot of his bed

waiting for his cursed touch

that took my sanity

and reduced me to all but a burning body

inflamed with lust.

you see

i needed pity

because he refused to love me

and i drank his cold heart like water.

am i looking?

the fire in my eyes does not let me see.

my fists are tight, always balled.

my heart aches because it cannot be opened.

my words stay stuck in my throat

and the only thing that i want

i cannot have

because i have tied my own wrists

to the chains of my fear.

how can i look

when i keep my eyes closed

so i do not see his face

in my daydreams

and in my nightmares.