What have you done to me?

What have you done to me?

I am cold.

I keep my distance.

I laugh but not too hard.

I push away.

I isolate.

I cry but only when I'm alone.

I pretend.

I force my smiles.

I don't give chances.

I refuse to fall.

I don't need anyone.

I don't want anyone.

Well, I didn't...

But the glass splintered beneath my faltering feet as I slipped.

I slipped,

and any strength I had left collapsed.

The crack consumed me without warning,

the floodgates fell and now I can't stop it

I'm telling you things

things I've never said out loud

I'm smiling until it hurts

it hurts

and I'm afraid of hurt

can't you see that?

Can't you see that you're scaring me?

I'm laughing too much

I'm caring too much

my buried instincts are crawling their way up through my skin

tearing through veins

gunning for the heart

I need to escape

need to run

but I can't

I can't because I'm stuck

on your eyes

on your smile

on your voice

your laugh

your touch

the promise in your eyes

I'm paralyzed by it

and I can't look away now

I can't turn back

not when you look at me like that

everything I am

everything I was

I was lonely but I wasn't scared

I'm scared now

i'm absolutely terrified

terrified to let go

terrified of what you'll see

terrified of being vulnerable

terrified of losing you

and I can't lose you

not now

not when you've made my heart warm again

not when you've pulled me from the ruins

I'm laughing again

I'm smiling and I mean it

I'm not pushing I'm pulling

I'm still cautious but I'm open

I am an absolute mess

and I think I want to be

so please just tell me,

what have you done to me?