What Happened to My Smile Today?

What happened to my smile today?

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

What would happen if I let it all in?

Today’s been tough,

So has most of the week, month, hell my whole fucking life!

I’m tired.

I’m tired of putting on a fake smile every day,

As if I were really okay.

I’m tired of feeling like I have to be the strong shoulder to lean on,

The firm foundation which everything depends on.

It’s time for a mental health check-in on myself…

How are you feeling?

I give a quick short laugh, a chuckle teetering on breaking.

I feel like shit.

I feel unrecognized,

Unheard,

Unloved,

Broken,

And so ready to say Fuck it!

I know that not every day is going to be a hard day.

I know that there are better days ahead,

But when will they get here?

I’m so tired of trying to be everyone’s everything,

And yet I have no conception of pouring into myself

Of giving to me.

My lungs are starved for air,

My body dehydrated and starved of water.

~

As much as I’d love to…

I can’t blame you.

Not anymore.

I removed you from the equation that was dictating my life.

But there’s still remnants of your destruction

There’s still that bitter taste in my mouth,

That horrible ringing in my ears

As I look over my shoulder to make sure the coast is clear.

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling proud of what I’ve overcome.

I’m feeling empowered, enlightened, and wise.

But there’s still so much of this mountain ahead of me.

I’m still climbing.

My legs are weak, shaky.

My muscles feel strained,

As if I’ve pushed all of me past my limits.

~

I’m not afraid of losing,

I’m afraid of failing again.

I’m tired of feeling like the floor is covered in eggshells.

It stings the bottom of my feet.

It hurts my heart…

Or does it hurt in my mind?

Is it all a trick?

I can’t seem to let go of this anchor weighing me down

I can’t…

I won’t…

But I want to live.

I’m constantly arguing with myself.

Can I do this?

Will I live through it again?

Will I learn to push through?