What Could've Been...

“I’d never choose to abort.”

I’d lost too many miracles before—

A surprise conceived

In the back seat of a car.

Hope had arrived—

A new life to begin.

Late-night drives,

A best friend by my side—

Life finally felt worth living.

Then, blood.

My heart tore apart.

“Maybe it’s normal…”

Ectopic.

A month in hospital.

You slipped away.

The beginning of the end.

More heartbreak came.

One loss,

Two loss,

Three loss,

Four.

I gave up the dream—

Children weren’t for me.

My body felt broken,

Unable to carry even one.

How could this be?

I was still so young—

Not even twenty-three.

Then, Boxing Day.

2017—

A positive test.

No excitement,

Just waiting for loss.

But weeks rolled on.

The pregnancy bloomed.

A little boy was born—

A miracle came true.

“I’ll never get that lucky again,”

I watched him grow.

Two years later,

A baby girl, too.

Two miracles.

I was blessed.

But problems soon came.

Emotions soured.

I shrank in size,

Began to cower.

A moment of trust

In a vulnerable state—

A catch-up

Turned into an awful mistake.

Unconsenting acts.

A deep sense of shame.

I ran back to a familiar face—

Careless. Stupid.

Fragile and pained.

I spiraled deeper.

Protection felt dumb.

Self-sabotage began—

Bad choices

Made me numb.

Still, I never expected

To end up here.

A positive test…

A flood of fear.

Wait—

Surely not from that one-time thing?

Maybe it’s my boyfriend’s...

But what if it’s not?

How could I raise a child—

Who might share blood

With the guy from the park,

Who took advantage of me?

Abortion echoed—

“It’s the only way...”

But how could I,

After all that I’d lost?

The pressure settled.

Depression grew.

An overdose of pills—

I needed to choose.

I wasn’t fit

To raise this child—

But how could I cope

Never seeing its smile?

The decision broke me.

Shattered my soul.

A choice I made,

To never meet

That third child.

A failure.

Alone.

I’m so sorry, my child.

I cried and moaned,

Grieving the life

I’ll never know.

Why now can I carry,

When loss might’ve spared

The impossible choice—

Of what we could’ve shared?

I never imagined

I’d be here.

Faced with a decision

That drowns me in tears.

I’ll never forget you.

I promise you this.

I think of you always.

Your presence, I miss.

To the children I never met—

I’m sorry I failed.

I wish I were better.

So I sit here in silence,

Memories unfurled,

Wondering what it’d be like

If you were in this world.