Up In My Feelings

Another night up late til the wee hours of the morning. But this time I managed to skip off to LA LA land and beat the sweet shimmer of the morning light.

The whisper of a hello from the sun as it slowly creeps up over the horizon and into the sky.

I'm greeted by the agony and defeatist mindset of another day with no purpose in life.

A life full of chaos, uncertainty, helplessness, and a lack of feeling things will get better any time soon.

I go about the monotony of my day as I clean the house, do dishes, and pay bills.

A slight smile scrolls across my face as I realize we will have enough money to just pay this month's bills.

I am reminded of how I wanted so badly to be grown as a child. Thinking I wouldn't have to follow any rules and could do what I wanted.

With no goals, and no direction in life, not even the faintest utterance of college, to escape with the breath from my parent's mouths.

I graduated with no plans set in mind and soon found myself as a young mother.

I often reminisce of my life and the path I found myself down when I'm left to nothing but my thoughts.

All the stresses, heartaches, and struggles melt away as I find myself surrounded by the outdoors and immersed in nature.

The heavy heat from the hazy sky fills my lungs, but I'm soothed by the cool breeze that swishes through the branches of the trees.

An amused look comes across my face as I laugh when the overly friendly squirrel stops by to say hi and show me the snack he found.

I think, man, that would have been a great picture, cute. Even though I'm not that big on interactions when it comes to animals, wildlife or domestic.

Constantly my mind has been flooded with how I can bring in an income while I'm dealing with a dozen unrelenting and never ending health issues.

But today I'm determined not to be pulled down into a deep depression like the previous day.

So I sit back, relax and continue to bask in the soft glow of the sun.

I return to listening to my Reggae, as I sip my water my lips feel the wet, crisp, coolness as my thirst is quenched by the refreshing feeling of life rushing through my body.

I close my eyes, lean my head back and let my mind wander as I'm transported in time to my younger years.

I'm in my early 30s, physically capable of dancing, walking as far as I want, and somewhat healthy.

I'm back in Negril, Jamaica with my sister indulging in tropical drinks, good food, and Irie vibes.

We are on the beach, toes in the sand. Skin, sun kissed by the sun as the liquid sunshine begins to mist on our faces.

We are entrenched in a calming ambiance, our souls filled with delight, and the sights of happiness, come to life with the celebration of ATI.

With a welcoming atmosphere, as strong as the one you feel with a connection to family, we continue to embrace the fleeting moments of being alive as we age.

Then just like that I'm brought back into reality. The clouds roll in and I am reminded of my current circumstances.

Oh how my mind plays such a marvelous trick on me. One I so often welcome these days.