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Beginning?

There isn’t such a thing,

Laugh it out,

Cough up the pain,

Make it seem,

Like you have no un pleasant memories,

You are merely another satisfied customer.

When in fact you were born to die,

Who ordered that?

You certainly didn’t.

But you ate it anyway,

Did you know any better?

You were a child,

Ignorant to the molesters,

Wanting your smiles,

The rapists,

Wanting your voice,

The church,

Wanting your faith,

You never got a chance to form.

Because you were a child,

Once

Yet you grew up too fast,

Forced to look at your own blood,

Next to anther's,

On a battle filed full of cigarettes,

And broken toys,

Millions of nutcrackers fan out,

Marking each year,

That you wish you weren’t alive.

She is dying,

Haven’t you heard?

He is already dead,

Everyone is dying,

They get to,

Once

But for the living,

Death is a daily occurrence.

Congratulations,

You are one of the millions who

Get to die every day,

You had no choice,

It’s not like you asked,

For the grizzly man,

In the middle of the night,

And no matter how much you screamed,

They didn’t believe you.

For you were only a child,

A child fond of the dark,

Because it covers you,

The shadows won’t find you,

In the dark

They creep in at night,

With a pop of the knee,

A cloudy perfume,

They come to rest on your bed,

That isn’t really yours,

They come to lie down,

They come to gently tuck away your smiles,

They come to unravel you.

No matter how much you kick,

Bite,

Scream,

It was all a bad dream,

You are insane,

There isn’t a grizzly man,

But the next night it is back.

You laid in the sun,

Letting the room gobble you up,

Hoping it will devour you,

Once

And for all.

It’s too much to hope for,

The owl on the wall cocks his head,

Blue eyed Jesus,

Asks you how you could be sad,

With him in a picture,

On the wall,

How could you ever be lonely?

But you are lonely,

The shadows have left,

And you thought you would be happy for

Once

So you climb into the Tupperware cupboard,

You pretend to be on a secret mission,

It is dark inside the cupboard,

When they come home,

They yell,

There is breaking of glass,

And they find you,

The shadows yank you from your sanctuary,

To send you to some strange home.

There you find happiness,

It’s an odd ball of warmth,

Making your head buzz,

Yet even here you are alone.

You experience several homes like this,

A glass of warm milk,

Several nice kisses,

There is always food for your belly,

So you never have to feed yourself,

And best of all,

No shadows.

Oh but they find you again,

When you have almost forgotten them,

They lock you up in the dog kennel,

The dog included,

Your smiles have been missed,

And you are still a child.

Not for long however,

You become a child,

That is locked inside a closet,

While your cousins smoke pot outside,

Suffocating in the shirts,

Your happiness is gone,

But you still have your smiles,

Our girl isn’t perfect anymore,

Give her the tonic,

Force her to drink,

Isn’t she a beauty?

Yes, she is quite something,

A straight a student,

A dancer,

An actress,

A singer,

She’s a frequent reader too.

For that’s how we raised her.

We raised her to not cry,

To not scream,

To laugh it off,

Such a good girl,

She is radiant.

Mother knows better,

She brings the tonic,

Holds your head,

Now you have drunken too much,

It looks like you are in need of a trip to the water closet,

And proclaims she has a daughter,

Just like her,

Her old ma was the same,

Better to keep it in the family.

You like that?

Don’t you,

Don’t give me that look,

You are a child,

What could you possibly know?

Our daughter had her first communion,

She plays the piano,

All her teachers say she is an angel,

She never stops smiling,

We raised her like that,

But now we don’t want her,

She's showing her teeth,

We can't tame her.

Back in the house,

With my own bed,

I am still alone,

A double x,

A midst numerous intertwined x and ys,

They won’t touch me now,

Pointing to my chest they whisper,

Snickering at my confusion.

“You are a girl,”

Haven’t I always been?

What is the difference?

Woman or man?

I wear a ball cap,

So do you,

Why are we a different country?

I like running,

You do too.

Girls have lumps,

Well excuse me,

So do boys.

Why? Are we kept apart,

For the better good?

Girls wear skirts,

Boys could too,

In fact they are quite comfortable.

You left me,

Without warning what a male can do,

I was never taught,

He comes in,

Just like the shadows,

Full of harsh kisses,

And words he said were cunning,

You were never taught,

You learned,

That screaming leads to trouble,

Kicking leads to the dog kennel,

And running away gets your sanctuary taken,

You learned,

To curl into a ball,

To not cry,

To clench your fists,

Till blood comes out,

To make your pleasure become pain.

The pleasure broke you,

It was terrible,

You tried to cover up with millions of layers,

No matter how many layers you wear,

The pleasure remains,

You give it power,

The only worse thing,

Is feeling numb.

She is dying,

Haven’t you heard?

No,she wouldn’t scream

To let you know

Her pain

That she is dead.

Was she ever alive?

She didn’t know how,

Girls carry the babies,

Why six wasn’t sex,

No one ever told me,

It would hurt,

How could I know?

There was never a crash,

I never let myself fall,

Not even

Once

Zero time to drown,

Life keeps going,

A long current

That connects to everything else,

It will catch you up,

And never drop you off,

Sucking you under,

No time to breath,

Yet somehow you surface long enough,

To watch others another drown.

Once

Again you left me,

Selfish on both sides,

Your life was not over,

It has in its prime,

You were brilliant,

A can of butterflies waiting to be unleashed,

Changing history was your call,

Sitting in your lap,

You told me,

To look from all angles,

Become those angles,

Never let them go.

But I couldn’t let you go,

Even though everyone changes,

And has to move on,

Even though you had to leave me,

I still begged you to break those pillars down,

To come take me away,

You frustrated me,

Why couldn’t I find you?

Were you in the closet?

That’s something I understand,

And I would have joined you,

What I couldn’t understand,

Was why you left,

Me.

Thanks

Thanks for what?

A good time?

I was over being a doll

Propped up by the nutcrackers

This time, for

Once

I will watch out for myself

No more waiting up for you,

No more hoping for a call,

No more empty rides

So that next time there won’t be a chance to

Thank me.

Done with putting on a basket,

To hide confusion

Done with those rolling in shavings,

Globing on the mixtures

And creams

So the neighbors might never know

What horrors are next door.

Little did I know,

Saving myself would mean killing you,

When your hand surfaced,

I only treaded water for myself,

When I could have pulled you to me,

Instead I watched you drift by,

And afterward wanted to die.

You are pregnant,

With a monster,

Who will eat you,

I reached out to choke her,

Just like the millions of times imagined

How sweet it would be

My hands twisting her neck.

Your smiles have been taken,

Along with your voice,

They hope you won’t scream out,

Against their faith,

I hope to meet you in hell,

Or go there without you,

It can be nothing compared to this human agony,

I am hurting,

It’s like a shield,

Tugging at me everywhere I go.

Somehow I am alive,

It’ so hard to say,

He pleasantly went south,

And I went pleasantly north

Letting our shavings blow off in the wind

Hoping that one day

They will intertwine again.