Unraveling The Tangle Within

I detest those days where my mind is a jumbled ball of yarn,

Where I, the weaver of that mind, can’t seem to untangle the threads,

Can’t seem to get back to the origins of it,

Back to the slip knot,

Where it all began,

The elusive where and when,

Slipping though my fingers again and again,

Am I truly that blind?

Finding it hard to believe that the knot taunts me with its absence,

Confronting the unfortunate reality that I’ve erected titanium walls,

That I’ve deliberately kept myself out,

Haven’t given myself permission to burn it all down,

Because to breach that wall is to risk completely unraveling,

Not one string at a time,

Not a little here and there,

But all of it,

All at once,

All at the same time,

In a shitstorm of chaos,

Leaving me exposed,

More than I want to be …

Bare.

Vulnerable in a way that terrifies me,

It would mean admitting that I’m not as introspective as I pretend to be,

It would mean that that fluff that fills me would have to be replaced with genuine substance,

It would mean reconstructing myself from memory,

Hours upon hours, trying to mend what has been lost,

Yet time slips by and I age,

A victim of its relentless march,

The thoughts of neglect gnaw at me,

A ravenous beast devouring itself,

Stubbornly keeping others at bay,

Conditioned to submit to silence,

Conditioned to beliving that words are weapons,

Weaknesses to be exploited, so I suppress them,

Begging my body to hold its bile,

Whispering empty promises to future resolutions,

Lying to myself to keep it all contained,

Overwhelmed,

Unhappy,

Disgusted,

Wasting my time,

There it is,

All of it,

Like a rose, that if called by any other name, would still retain its thorns.