Under My Skin

I still feel you

squirming

burrowed

deeply inside of me

realizing that’s why

tears keep flooding out of me

absentmindedly

searching for any traces

I stoop

grasping at the burning

starting in my feet

my nails digging

into cold flesh

I can’t quite seem to find

you the more I hunt

the more hidden you

seem to be

wriggling in

between my bones

attaching to

tendons and sinew

so I just continue

slashing my way

up legs

ribbons and pearls

red and translucent white

K.B. Silver

Before I was able to recover the first memories of my early life, when I was swimming in the ocean of self-loathing and inexplicable misery, I did engage in self-harming activity. The farther down the memories were stuffed, the thicker the forced medication barrier became, the worse I felt about myself. I thought I must be the problem, partly because I was being told so. One of my mother's favorite sayings, one I internalized and repeated constantly, was "we are all the makers of our own doom." To a certain extent, that's true, but I had no idea how wrong everything in my life was.

Therapy and resurrecting the truth, no matter how painful, were the only things that set me free from the pain of believing it was all coming from inside me. I still feel many of the same ingrained feelings of shame and worthlessness; those don’t evaporate overnight, or possibly ever. My brain, at least, has the words of truth to tell my heart now, to combat the fear and the pain.

***

Since I am posting this at such a charged time, I thought I would say something on the topic of justice for victims, since I was a victim of forced child sex work and Pornography. If you have any doubts about what is going on, if you think people stopped at Epstein Island but didn't participate, or if you think they rode in his plane and weren't privy to what was happening, I envy you and the beautiful, safe world you live in.

People like Epstein carefully curate their world; the only people who went to that island were people who knew and participated. I wasn't allowed to go into anyone else's house except for the people who had been vetted to come into ours, and we weren't allowed to discuss our family with anyone but those individuals. It is a little cult; that's the only way it works. That's why you can't see the documents, and you never will. They are already gone. Just like the tape was already altered, we will never see the real list.

Even my husband didn't get it until we saw the videos of Pam Bondi and Dan Bongino, the Deputy Director of Conspiracy, who used to be obsessed with releasing them, back down and refuse to share the Epstein files. I haven't bothered wasting the rest of my life trying to seek "justice" because the FBI isn't interested in prosecuting child rapists; the FBI are child rapists.