Unconditional love

Mom,

you taught me

unconditional love

i know life was hard

right from the start

born into chaos

there wasnt a safe place

that was prepared for you..

i cant only imagine

how precious you were.

tiny fragil,maybe even scared

this environment

was not emotionally

or stable for your little soul

Im sooooooooo sorry for that ,

being deserving

of so much better.....

papa was not a healthy soul...

we will never know

what what his internal struggle were...

not being able to drink these away...

the mistakes he made only put him away.....

nana was a vunerable soul

unable to say no....

having to walk in papas footsteps

one can only imagine

what her thoughts

might have been leading

her into dispair.

Having limited mindsets

children had to reep what they sowed...

there were 7

Im sorry you were sold thru black market,

the mistakes

on your birthcertificate

led you you to that dark truth....

I wished you had been truly loved,

then maybe the hand

who adopted you...

would have seen

passed their own needs.

You didnt deserve

to be treated as a little adult

you werent born to be someones naughty batting slave instrument....,

definition to disheartning to clarify...

my heart aches.

you were just a little child

mama you ran

you ran

as soon

as you could

years of thinking

this would never end

a diamond you were

what ever

gave you the strength

to endure...

Some

good seeds

you carried with you

I believe helped see you thru....

piano playing and Gods love....

Im sure you were confused and had lots of questions ....

Life sure didnt get better...

love ...what is love...

still no real love that held you.....

Looking endlessly...

now you have littles ones yourself.... you couldve chosen to diregard our life

instead you gave us life.

thou breaks came thru...

many were ilusions.

one day your first born...

was taken away...

you felt ...you had no fight....

your mistakes being judged

only made things worse.

I was born ....

giving of yourself

to an attorney for his help...

my only question

where was needed probonal

My brother was born of a different situation

that didnt turn out well...

we all reeped a harvest of bitter sweet.

Many chapters create your story...

a special mix of good and bad

memory stamps left in time.

I questioned to God

healing of clarification came

noone is to blame

you were all victims

unfortunate circumstances.

mama

I know your frustration wasnt the real you....

different personalities took over hiding the vunerable you..

very distinctive indeed...

sonia, olga then your sweet self becky....

names left on our randum pictures.

One didnt like children....

the other had to try to be a woman...

all the while they were protecting you.

noone truly understood...

your inner struggle..

.it was deep....

an emotional rollercoaster

one could say....

there were days

you became stronger...

but deamons of your past

were relentless

bringing you deep within...

substances

to numb your pain

only made things worse..

I know your frustrations

were not ment for us...

We loved you unconditionally...

I grew to understand

what you couldve given

was taken away many years ago..

Trauma set... I witnessed this....

My heart

wanted to take your pain and make it no more....

therapy wasnt enough...

Animals made you happy

they seemed to know

what you needed

far more intutiviely

.Money

would have really helped

in so many ways...

your needed support

was not there...

Cigerretes became your crutch

the only thing you had

to truly hold onto....

this was a deception

compulsive addiction

only turned on you

harming you too the end.

you lost alot mom.....

not only your innocents

but your failing body parts

as well

they took without regard

of your ability to recover....

esp in the begginning

not knowing

what might have been heriditary.

the quality of care

recieved was not ok either...

you were to scared

to speak

in fear

of retaliation.

had to teach

many to feel

the importance

of quality comfort care.

The pain you endured took its toll,

your last words spoken...

I dont think Im strong enough to make it thru....

my hugs

were not enough to save you

as you withered away.

so to give you my best

not knowing

how much time

we had left....

I chose give you life....

making your room

a very special place

I pampered you..

styled your hair,

painted your nails,

lifted your tiredness

with sparkling blush

refreshed your body

with gentle baths

you were tenderly

tucked in bed

soft pillows

made you smile

i held your hand and

listened to your needs

stood by your side

till the end

up holding you with the sweetist reverance

in hopes your story

of grace and endurence

will give another value

if just one person stays sain

your life story was not in vain,

I love you Mom

thankyou for us giving us what you could...

Life.........Rm