Unappreciated:Relatable

Projection, gas lighting, every possible defense mechanism you could think of from a man I thought would be different; a tale as old as time. I am sure I, and every other woman I know is probably sick of thinking, “this one is different” when they turn out to be more of the same thing. More of the same since you were a kid, a teenager, a college student, or approaching your thirties. I don’t ask for much, in fact I think of his feelings before I think of my own, in hopes that maybe, JUST maybe he will think of mine as often as I think about his… and in hoping this occurs, I assume the problems we are having will solve themselves. I’m in a relationship with someone whom couldn’t be more emotionally self-absorbed. My needs are not his needs, yet his have become mine… what have I become in this process? A shmuck… a complete schmuck who has lost sight of her individuality and her independence. I am trapped; I am stuck because AGAIN I believed a man loved me more than himself.

I am a fool. Born a fool, I live a fool; I will die… you guessed it.

Give, Give, Give, will this always be our life? Is this the cycle we cannot break?

My expectations are only what you make me believe them to be. I do not manifest expectations, you create them. You tell me things, and I believe them, and when I hold you to them I am “ungrateful,” or you gaslight me and claim I do the same things. Do you know that I document such things? That I am tracking all of the things that you do, and what you say to me? That I have on record that you are not whom you claim to be? Do you even care? Is denial your only way? I wish I could live in that denial… it must be a nice place to live. I imagine a breeze, on a beach, with a beverage that holds an umbrella and in front of me are the people I claim to love in chains, going around in a circle on my island that I have created. Stuck in a cycle of going on circles looking for a way out of my manipulation, but there is nowhere to go. They are isolated in their misery, and I too isolated, but on a paradise that I have lured them to. My paradise. Their hell.