TRANSITIONS

TRANSITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY MICHAEL TREVOR BARRETT 05-30-2010 5:47 A.M.

she wanders in with careless regard, her body is like a dream in perfect serenity, I walk to her and feel so free. the gaze of longing, like a starved wolf abandoned from its pack shouts out from the shadows. I try to run away, but am engulfed by the sensation that I must try to hold tight. everything about that lost look in her eyes of forgotten pain just drives me to yearning. like a lost puppy saying just love me. arms out stretched in a plea of "stay away", but I can't help myself. the pain I feel and I want to embrace and make it all go away. eyes flare in defiance with the words of "leave me alone!!!!!!!!" I can't just walk away, I know that they are just a protection spell. we dance around the uncomfortable for so long I get dizzy, she is a magical breeze. lost eyes poke from the shadows of her gaze, and I feel the deepening pain of a lost soul. pushing on to an understanding that makes no sense, I wrap my arms out stretched to only grasp air. the feeling, like the vision fades away, just another mirage of many to fade past my gaze. I wander on in a state of lost elation, my sensations confused and growing tired. "I can't live like this" I tell myself. and yet I am here trying to feel her again. that feeling that I came to get one more time, just to have it felt across my eyes and just disappear, like a lost dream that never happened. I wake to a feeling of unknown lost control. and yet it makes me feel normal, a path that seems to at the point of connection gets fucked up. her eyes gaze with the brightest of the night, and they give such forgiveness in their night light. I run to catch the light, but only hug the wind of what remains of a feeling that never came to completion. so I start my search again, another body, another soul, another chance to find her. her voice calls but is in the shadows, the abyss laughs at me as I try to make sense of the changes around me. a fallen soul, another chance to get it right, another chance to find some kind of balance. the feeling of being a wolf without a pack starts to drain cold in my veins. I feel lost, blind, traveling on a river without a guide or pull to tell me where to go. I'm blind, left with only bare senses now. that first breath of her scent and that brief kiss are all I have to remember her by. I search for it at times in all the wrong holes! temporary relief in a lost reality, a fleeting feeling of being in control for a moment. what a foolish thought to think that I would have any recognition of what or who i needed to feel. the wave of the abyss and the shadows take their toll. I start to lose all control. sin, filth, darkness, take over what was once a whole soul. pieces of the original vision flood in so hard some times I loose consciousness, drifting in the realm of almost sleep, awake dreaming, yet not quite clear. soul burning under the weight of it all, tears they come far too often these days. I float away again in a night of almost sleep, as an insomniac I don't know what sleep is. but I dream for a moment, and to me that is enough. her eyes they appear again, fuck I just want to erase them away. I try to blink awake them away, but my vision is clouded by to much awareness. my soul says, "you will never escape the calling!!!!" just want to go click with a gun too many times. at least than the voices, they will shut the fuck up. but here I am, writing, so for now they win!!!! I'm lost in a boat without a paddle too many times. floating up stream, for whatever that is worth. just another lost soul bargaining with the underworld, talking to the boat master to just bring me across to forgetfulness. but the toll is denied, I guess my soul was a little shy. the boat master has sent me back, why, I guess he is a sadist!!!! so I fall again from the almost embrace of heavens release, I heard the angels whisper my name. I fall for another spell, I guess to dwell, to be here for a time to think again and maybe this time I won't cause any harm. balance, ha, I'm trying, but every fucking time I get sent here I forget everything!!!!!! I start over with nothing to go on but her voice and her kiss embrace, "find that and you have found home." the voices they tell me, or at least that's what I get out of their confusing language!!!!!!!!!!!!! to this day I can never completely make out what exactly they want to say. her scent pricks my nose and like a starved wolf I follow the scent. I'm led to a forest filled with overgrowth that is not normal for a planet filled with so much land rape. home, for once, I feel safe here. but for how long? than it happens, the shadows shout, they try to test my balance with all sorts of tricks. the gun it rests beside my hip, ready for its call. no, it's not worth it!!!!!! you can fight it, you are too old and better for that good bye!!!! I cry, just want it all to easily end, but I guess that's why we are here!!!! pain, extasy, sorrow, growth, shame, feeling, punishment, joy, disappointment, fun and KAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!