Train Wreck

i bite my tongue

yes, i draw my own blood,

to stop the onslaught,

to stop the word vomit

that threatens to

escape and flow.

your eyes so far away

yet so very close bore into me

at rare times, moments

angry, frustrated, annoyed

as a truth unfolds between us;

i am a coward.

now we BOTH know.

you see i'm backspacing over

everything i am or could be

if i allowed my inner self free.

suddenly i'm a train wreck inside.

your look of disappointment

quickly threatens to dismantles

in a matter of mere seconds

all those neat compartments

(you taught me all about with

cold eyes i've yet to ever

see until now)

i can't be like you

composed, concise, unemotional

what you know is a total mystique to me,

how you are a total conundrum,

what you are trying to tell me

is lost in the wreckage of emotions

and confusion i can't hide.

as i watch your reactions, and feel

your frustration lashing out such

a quick barrage of instant anger

i'm transformed so easily by it

from my normal clueless self

to that good little girl just needy

enough to amuse you but never

enough to drive you away or abuse you.

i'm not jealous of her even if it sounds

like i am. i would protect her with my

life, i swear it.

what i am is

confused, amazed, bewildered

& saddened at times because

who you are, so very far away,

seems so elusive to me like a train

i can not manage to catch because

i'm actually the wreck ahead

and so i must act quickly to protect

and i want to so badly jump aboard

but right now most of all i yearn

so badly to discover just how to not

drive you crazy...