Too Thin

I am 6.

I am meeting my best friend's mother

for the first time.

She puts one hand on my stomach,

(the other on my back)

She says:

"too thin!"

I laugh.

She does not.

She stares at my parents

with accusations and fire in her eyes

and I stop laughing.

I am 6.

I am learning what "too thin!" means

for the first time.

I am 7.

and at a new friend's house.

I am offered pasta and say

"no thank you. I don't like tomatoes"

but her father stops listening at

"no."

He sighs. Says:

"you need to eat more."

I'd heard it before

from my grandmother who cooks and bakes

like others breathe and smile

but TV had taught me that everyone's grandmothers say:

"you need to eat more."

They never taught me what to say

when it is a stranger.

I am 8.

I play it safe now.

"My house is bigger,"

I tell friends.

"Let's play at mine."

Because I have learned to avoid

parents who do not know

the foods I don't like.

Because I have learned that to them

not liking one food

somehow means I don't like any of them.

And because I have learned

that that is bad.

I am 9.

And in health class we learn about the food pyramid

and my friend who is thin (but not "too thin")

tells me I need to follow it

(even though she doesn't)

and I start to argue but another girl agrees

that I need to follow it

(even though she doesn't)

and it suddenly feels like the class is saying

that I need to follow it

(even though they don't)

and even though I've heard

"too thin" and "eat more"

I suddenly realize that that is not a thing everyone is used to.

That night I stare into the bathroom mirror

waiting to see what they do.

My 'different'.

but to me I am just me.

It's hard to fix something everyone but you can see.

I am 10.

And I have changes schools.

And we are growing boobs

and noticing our bodies.

We sit in a circle on the lawn and take turns

talking about who we want our bodies to be

and a girl

looks right as me and says

"She can't say anything"

"She looks like an anorexic"

"it's not fair"

and I do not know what "an anorexic" means

but I somehow know that it is not the first time

someone has said it.

She is just the first person

to say it to my face.

So I decide we will be Best Friends

so I can let her tell me

what is wrong with me.

I am 11

and our friend downloads Weight Watchers

and we find it on her ipod

and we all know it is bad because she is thin

(maybe "too thin")

and I want to help but Best Friend grabs my arm and whispers

"this is your fault, you know."

So I go home and eat chips and fries and chocolate bars

until I am sure I am going to throw up

but I don't so instead I smile

because I am helping.

I am 12

and in the school change room

and a girl I do not know

walks up to me when I take off my shirt.

I am trapped

in a corner

in my training bra

and she says

"god, if you ever become anorexic, I'll kill you"

and I learn to wait until the change room is empty

to get changed.

I am 13

and at the movies.

Like always,

my sister gives me her popcorn.

I finish mine.

Put my hand in hers

then remember Best Friend

who brings twizzlers to the movies because

"popcorn makes you fat"

and I remember parents

and friends

and strangers

who have always noticed

my metabolism

before me

and I realize that since

"too thin"

has become their expectation

"fat"

could become their

"too fat"

so I hand my sister her popcorn

and do not ask for the m&ms I traded her back.

I am 14

and I check my weight every morning

half the time I want it to fall

half the time I want it to rise

and I am both relieved

and terrified

when it stays the same.

I decide I do not have an eating disorder

because eating disorders cannot be halves.

I am 15

and starting high school

and make my first good male friend.

I am excited because it is only

girls

and adults

who look at me and say

"too thin".

He lasts 2 weeks

before calling me anorexic

(we stay friends because no one tells anyone that thin-ness is a body type that can't be joked about so I am not allowed to be mad)

I am 16

and on my first date

and we talk about first impressions

and he says "anorexia".

I am 16

and on my second first date

and he is telling a story and says:

"she was scary thin. I mean

not

thin

like

you

but still."

I am 16

and the girl I'm flirting with

is hospitalized

for anorexia

and I hear Best Friend in my ear:

"This is your fault, you know."

And even though I do not think that she is

I wonder if I liked her because she was

"too thin"

and even though I do not think that I am

I wonder if she liked me because I am

"too thin"

I decide not to date until after graduation.

I am 17 and love dresses

but do not wear them because my collar bone

is a point of public debate.

I sit down in class

next to a stranger.

He turns around and asks my name

I tell him

he says

"That's funny! Anorexia also starts with an A. That fits."

I stop talking to him.

He gets my number and texts me a week later

(Apology also starts with an A)

and tells me that he's sorry

but "thin" is a compliment.

"What happened to that boy you dated?"

A friend asks.

I do not have to ask which boy he means

because they ended the same.

"He thought I was anorexic," I tell him.

"No one wants to date someone who looks at them and sees

'sick'".

His eyes rake up and down my body and I regret choosing today to finally

wear a dress.

"I mean," he says "it's kind of a compliment."

And I decide we are not friends

because a boy who sees a body type as a fetish

and that body type as me

is not someone I can keep talking to.

I am 18 and trying my best not to care

or weigh myself

or listen to what others think is healthy for me.

I am 18 and swimming through my memories

wondering if I ever did have an eating disorder.

If I did

and you called me "too thin"

you do not get to say:

"I was right."

Because even

if I did

when you called me "too thin"

it was never right.

On TV

or in books

or movies

or those shitty educational videos you watch in middle school

eating disorders are triggered

when people are called "too fat".

Eating disorders are triggered

by being called "too anything".

Since I was 6

I have been told

to eat not when I'm hungry,

but when it will make my body look right to

them.

And somehow no one thought

that that

they

them

everyone

might fuck me up.