To the moon and back

I had a dream
about both of you last night,
there you were,
sitting on these chairs.

I wasn't supposed to be there,
neither were you guys.
But something happened
that collided our paths.

Your Grandma and Grandpa
knew I'd be there,
I didn't know you would be.
So when I walked out I froze.

You were smaller,
probably because those
are the most memories
I have of the both of you.

The eyes were different though,
more grown, more standoffish.
So I knew that at that point,
I had already messed things up.

It's crazy to me because
I am hardly ever so lucky
as to see your beautiful faces
while I dream.

Must be because
you've really been on my mind.

I remember talking to your Grandpa
because they pulled you away from the room.
We were having a back and forth
about If I'd made enough progress.

Guess my subconscious
is in its own battle.
But was that their voices,
or really my own…?

That's been weighing on my mind too,
I know somewhere inside
I'm so proud of myself
for how far I've come.

But another part of me
really won't let myself absorb it
and let the pride sink in.
Because I wonder, was it far enough?

I think I finally understand
what my dad went through.
Trying to redeem himself
while still having the human condition.

It's a battle I'll probably fight for eternity…

But I'll say this,
as long as that feeling remains,
I'll make sure to stay proud.
I refuse to quit now.

I will keep pushing myself
to be a better human.
Even past the point that people have said “You've done enough.”

Thank you for saying that.
But truth is, deep inside,
it isn't enough for me,
Because I know I wasn't enough for them.

Maybe because I know
what you girl's are going through,
and what you're going to
more than likely go through.

That shit is gonna keep being rough.
But I know what helped me the most
more than anyone else.
Even those who thought they were better.

So I'm determined to be
the wisdom he was to me in the end,
but an even better example to you.
And show what the ability to change means.

Because he gave me words that I know,
he himself never got the chance to hear.
One's he needed someone to say them to him.
He was not judging me, he was simply sharing his experiences.

That was the biggest difference,
I heard similar things growing up,
but in a terrible way to say to a child,
filled with such hate and judgment.

Don't do this or your damned
to hell for eternity!!!
Be anything but this and God will
cast his wrath and judgment on you!!!

His words were different,
they simply conveyed…
“I am as imperfect, and even more, than you,
please let me tell you the mistakes I made.”

Unfortunately his mistakes,
in a roundabout way,
ended up costing him his life.
I still wonder what wisdom I now miss.

Still, crazy as that is though,
he helped me more than anyone else
to have the ability and knowledge
to grow the most and come as far as I have.

Some things he told me long ago,
and I wished they could have sank in sooner.
Like when I lost control over myself,
and he told me the importance of family.

I wanted to hear, so very badly.
I knew he was right,
I just didn't know how
to unstick my stuck.

But I really am proud of myself,
because I finally found a way.
A little too late for some of my hopes,
but nonetheless here I am.

And I'll work with what I have.
Which is a big dose of
love, shame, pride, despair,
And a pinch of “I won't quit.”

That's the recipe I'm using
to process, rebuild, reshape,
and design the person of my choosing.
The one who will finish my book for you.

And I've learned that
the book is part of my evolution.
Bringing up repressed memories and emotions,
allowing me to release them and turn them into something good.

Something for many to read and relate,
but at the core meant for you to read and heal.
You are and will forever and always will be,
the meaning and inspiration in my life.

You're the drive and motivation to my purpose,
I'm just finally figuring out how to show it right.

I❤️U, 🌹 🦋 2️⃣ the 🌛 & 🔙.
& 2️⃣ ♾️ & beyond.