To disappear in a world of noise

I want to speak, but no words come.

The air feels too heavy. It becomes too hard to breathe.

Every step in the right direction seems impossible. Endless.

Like walking in a hall with no ending, no beginning.

I’m falling into a pitch-black hole. Unable to find my way back.

I am different.

It seems so easy to everyone else.

Why is it so hard for me?

Darkness.

I become an echo of who I used to be.

There’s a crowd.

I keep quiet, trying to suppress my fear, but it takes hold of me.

My body trembles and I do everything I can to hide it.

Shying away from every eye looking my way.

Do they know I’m different?

Will they see the terror just by watching me? Am I exposing myself just by being me?

I can’t even do a simple task, because then they’ll realize the truth.

Around everyone else I become a shell of who I am.

Will that ever change?

Do I have to change?

Or do I have to adjust?

Accept that my armour will never come off, not completely.

Always fearing the moment my body seizes control.

And I lose everything.

In a second.

In a single moment.

In a heartbeat.

I become a different person.

All it takes is one voice.

A stranger.

And I disappear.

I am no longer me.

Not then and not there.

Not until I’m alone again.

And the silence comes back.

The colours return and flood the room with light.

I can breathe again; fresh air fills my lungs.

I blink and the haze is gone. Every detail comes into view again.

I become me once more.

This is what it feels like to disappear.