To Be Continued

The thing I remember most are the houses.

Bright green doors, purple walls. Blue victorians.

A lifetime ago, ten years ago.

Five years of my life.

Serotonin filled memories, sunlight filtering through trees.

Pretending to be pirates with the neighborhood kids

as the sun went down

and the moths came out.

My favorite: the cheeto print house near my elementary school.

Most found it ugly.

It humored me - the textures, patterns, the sheer brightness of it.

I was so sure of myself then.

No one could make me un-love myself.

Things changed, as they always do.

We moved away when I was ten.

To a suburb full of green foliage

but devoid of all other color.

Ranch houses in various shades of tan,

all looking the same.

At school, things felt colorless too.

The boxes were rigid and defined.

Labels were a must.

That was the first time I began to hate myself

as a woman-

as an Asian American -

a common life experience for many Asian Americans.

I felt like a liminal space.

Not quite Chinese, not quite American.

Not quite fitting under one label.

I liked many things:

Sports.

Filmmaking.

Playing music.

Activism.

It felt like a curse.

To love so many things

but not love myself.

I went to my first electronic music concert at age 16.

Colorful lights flashing across my face.

Gleaming jewels that adorned other people's faces.

Being with people from all over.

So many different kinds of people.

Strangers making sure I didn't get trampled.

A music genre that should feel so inhumane

but felt the opposite.

It was there that I finally felt free.

Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect, they call it.

I used to think it was cheesy.

I understood it then.

-

I turned 21 last week.

I spent it largely alone

Most of my friends

are in other states.

Yet

As I sat at my desk

Staring out the window

I felt strangely

at peace.

Blue hour,

my friend calls it.

Dusk blue. Almost black.

Leaves whispering.

An unknown tomorrow

But I would be okay.

I thought of the purple cheeto house,

The way I was before.

I have slowly begun to see

my curse

as a blessing.

I love many things,

I am learning to love myself.