There are some wounds that would’ve won.

Things are complicated

they’re heavy

and they hurt

the hurt feels damaging

and yet I see not one scratch

my throat feels violated

crated

lied to

and lit on fire

I do myself a service no matter how

long

or

hard

it felt to step up to it

to step out of my comfort zone

for growth, for evolution, for change.

I don’t usually get a response that is open for

communication, growth and truth

or met with as much compassion, empathy and comfort as I deliver

which doesn’t feel okay

but is okay

I can wait

but I won’t wait long

and I am so deserving of such reflected energies

I can wait

however, if I have seemed to pass you by on my inner journey

I won’t wait

but for you

I can do you one better

I can innerstand

I can empathise

I will communicate

whilst my voice cracks and shakes

but I will not wait anymore

it’ll take me a minute to gather my thoughts

to get through the tears

to make sense of my emotions

to express them

as I've healed myself up

and deserve to release

as growth, evolution and change are in the makings of these movements.

So why lie?

Why sculpt something you haven’t even tried

to express

but I've learnt that people who can conversate and relate to my values, morals, mindsets ...

weren't lying, they were manifesting,

slowly aligning with a self they wish to become

I always get reminded that I wished and worked

I heard and healed

I let go and loved

I chanced and changed

and those reminders sting feeling alone again,

in situations that feel like a lie,

but not my lie,

so, I won’t wait

but for you

I can do you one better

I can innerstand

I can empathise

I will give you grace

I’m learning not to blame myself

to take it on as myself

because my core is strong

My Soul really is such a pure song

and I don’t think I see the rarity,

power

and beauty

in that

I am grateful

I am honoured to teach too more.

There are wounds that would’ve won

had I kept quiet and allowed my throat to be violated

had I not made myself step out of old scratched records

had I not kept myself growing from that first seed planted

I will keep setting me free

and so I do my best to follow in those steps

and sometimes

when it's too overwhelming

overstimulating

triggering

you say

‘you’ll get em next time tiger’

and I will get em next time tiger.

(but as to why I write now, Well done and Thankuuu Ruu for pushing through triggers that only speak for so much of the pain, so thankuuu for the service of breathing and pushing, you really have grown, and I am so proud. You get em Tiger)

There are wounds that would’ve won

had I stayed in the same old cycle of not opening up

about how something feels,

about how it fits into my life now

with all I’ve learnt

am learning,

unfurling more of self in these moments

and who I am actively

becoming more of

I refuse to stay still. I heal hills. Move mountains and cross seas for this life of mine, these simple joys of mine, for my soul calling, for, through and as the divine…

and I hope to help lots more because we deserve

lightness

calmness

joy

bliss

thank you for guiding me this far spirit family and beyond

because man oh man does the world need me

to be strong

the path has beat me with abandonment

slap me with anxieties

numbed me with grief

then kissed it allll better.

a sweet

loving

desiring

compassionate

tender

liberating

kiss

I take a deep breath as I’m amongst muck & mud

and my roots translate the lesson of the lotus

so here we go

I will flow

I will keep steady with my growth

I will reach

incredible heights

no more fear no more fight.

I love you Ruhani. I can’t, but I can believe how amazing and marvellous you are. It’s truly honouring and incredible to experience you, this, us, all of it and nothing. I’m so excited for that tender kiss too, you deserve lots and lots of those kisses, but I’m also so grateful that you choose to remember the sweetness already that is you.

from a numb and tired Ruhani 01/09/2024