The Words I'm Not Allowed to Say

I know no one will read this.

I know no one will ever care,

But I have some things I really need to say.

To my parents: I need to know

You hurt me more than you'll ever know.

I will never know the safety of a warm embrace,

Because I can never believe there isn't a knife ready to plunge into my back.

I cannot believe love doesn't come with a dose of posion.

I can never let myself rest.

"Rest is for the weak or the dead"

Isn't that what you said?

I second guess my every choice.

"Can I do this or am I just being selfish like always?"

Echos though my mind like I've heard you ask me every time before.

To my friends and lovers: I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I can't be more beneficial.

I'm so sorry I can't go on grand adventure,

or even simple parties without distress.

I'm so sorry I don't have the strength to face the world like we dreamed.

I'm so sorry that I've let us all down.

I should have tried harder,

Maybe tried sooner?

I should have stopped this mess before I got this bad.

How? Your guess is as good as mine.

Guilt eats at my soul more and more,

With every disappointed glance,

Every struggle to better us in life,

Every missed moment.

To myself:

When is it appropriate to give up?