The Weight of silence

The Weight of Silence

I remember the day Mama brought you home from the hospital,

She knelt beside the little me,

"Today you’ve grown up and become a big sister.

You must protect him and love him like no one else."

My heart soared; I became a sister.

You gave me a reason to live, a responsibility.

It’s a shame you’ll never know;

I never got to talk about that day with you

It was too soon.

I remember waking you for your first day of school,

You screamed bloody murder, claiming I broke your hand.

You were that dramatic sometimes,

But we all knew it was because mornings were your enemy.

Your days began at noon,

Maybe that’s why you decided one day

To sleep and never wake up.

I recall how, when we were experimenting,

You joined our morning jogs,

Letting us smoke while you simply watched.

You never smoked, mornings weren’t your thing,

Yet you sacrificed your time

To humor a bunch of teenagers

Sneaking a smoke in disguise.

I remember, oh I remember everything, like it was yesterday, maybe because it still feels like it was.

You loved me like I loved you,

But I failed to protect you from the grim

Wretched demon that stole you away.

Am I your sister?

Wasn’t I supposed to ensure your safety?

But I know if you could hear me now,

You’d say fate works in mysterious ways,

Echoing in UGWes’ voice from Kung-Fu Panda,

Always claiming you were an old soul.

I remember the day you proposed our little business,

Lending us money from your savings,

Expecting repayment with interest.

We always borrowed but never paid you back,

And you never asked.

We were broke, yet you didn’t care.

You said it was your way of helping us,

Knowing our pride would never let us accept your gifts.

You pretended to lend us money when you were truly giving.

Oh, little one, always so thoughtful, so wise.

Did you really have to sleep?

Sometimes I feel fine,

But sometimes I wish I could rewrite fate,

Return to a world where you’re still here.

They say you live on in our memories,

But I don’t want you to live through us;

I want you to be present.

I know you’d tell me to seek inner peace,

But how can I,

When you were the reason I had to live?

It’s not fine.

It’s not okay.

It will never be.

In this world we inhabit, we live, we die.

Until we meet again,

The wound will never heal,

Yet we learn to live with the pain.

You once said we must feel pain to understand it,

Though you said it while punching the crap out of me.

I feel that you were wrong;

I feel this pain, yet I can never comprehend it.