I'm allowing my heart to be repeatedly mistreated
And my feelings invalidated over and over
For the sake of some chance
That you will eventually start loving me,
like I deserve to be loved.
And in turn I eventually stop loving myself.
The crazy part is I lie to myself and say
I'm doing it for love.
But if I take an honest look at it,
at some point,
I start doing it because I am scared.
Scared that I'm once again going to end up feeling like I'm not enough.
I keep going through the same cycle,
Telling myself one day you will finally hear me and make the choice to be better for me.
So I continue to put up with you disregarding my feelings,
because it's easier for me to tell myself
that eventually
I will be enough for you to want to change.
Rather then to have to accept
that you will probably choose
to just let me walk away when the time comes that I can't put up with it anymore.
And I will have to face that
I put all that time, effort, and pain,
into someone who once again
would rather let me walk away than be accountable for their actions.
So I stay stuck.
Because as painful as it is putting myself through this,
I know that pain is nothing
compared to what I will feel when I finally have to accept that I wasn't enough.
About the Creator
Tressa Rose
On a serious self-discovering, soul-searching journey. Breaking myself out of a stagnant shell and reaching out for my dream of being a writer.
Co-author of Bounce Back- Dreams to Reality: Faith Over Fear
https://a.co/d/98H2vCF
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Slipping
Slipping, I'm angry at myself Because I caught myself slipping. By the time I was out of the impulsiveness And into a more aware state of mind About my choices and behaviors I had already slipped into a pattern I thought long dead and gone. I can hear the devil laughing with joy As I sit here and shrivel into my shame. I try and find the reason why I suddenly lost all control, but really I need not look far. At least, that is if I'm willing to be real with myself. But being honest with myself is hard When the reality contradicts the desires and hopes of my heart. It takes courage to really see And accept the truth for what it is… Ugly, Uncomfortable, Unstable. That's why more times than not, I fall into the comfort of my minds made up moments And all the skewed ways my head chooses to turn fantasy into something real. It's easier that way, right? Until the false mirror breaks And your just left with shattered pieces of what never actually was. Romancing people, places, and things To give me a false sense of comfort Always remembering just a little too late, That I always set my expectations And the bar far to high For any normal human being To be able to reach. Putting you on the grandest pedestal So I always inadvertently allow myself to end up disappointed and feeling unsatisfied, Time and time again. Then after, I feel justified in ignoring my own unhealed traumas, baggage, and core issues. And instead, turning the tables and saying “You are the problem.” I know in those situations It's me that's the problem. But why can I never remember it When I need to the most?
By Tressa Rose2 years ago in Poets
Comments (3)
Stand tall, Tressa! Be true to who you are and let the rest fall where it may. Some things are simply out of our control. :( No matter how hard we try, sometimes we just cannot change others. Life sucks sometimes, but you have friends here who care. I care. Sending my thoughts and prayers!
I'm so sorry you are going through this 🥺 Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
I FEEL YOU TRESSA. LOVE YOUR STORY.