The Teddy Bear

Once there was a hungry bear

With thick, soft, russet fur,

Who out of desperation was

A dustbin connoisseur.

One night while plodding through the town

He saw a shop, compact and quaint,

And pressed his snout against the glass

To see what goodies it contained.

This shop was stuffed with charming toys

And there among its wares

Was a picturesque display

Of top-grade teddy bears.

The real-life bear first chuckled,

But then he had a thought!

And in his scheming brain there formed

A most distasteful plot…

With the tip of one sharp claw,

This cunning carnivore

Picked the lock and wriggled through

The toyshop’s tiny door.

He found a pretty basket

And stuck some flowers on it,

Then perching it atop his head,

He wore it as a bonnet.

He tied a bow of ribbon

Around his fluffy throat,

Then squeezed into a pinafore

And then a petticoat.

He polished all his pointed fangs

And smiled like Cinderella,

Then glued on some false lashes

And clutched a pink umbrella.

Finally with twine and tag,

He marked down with a snigger

A cost which, due to vanity,

Was quite a lavish figure.

Not a second later

The latch turned on the door!

And shuffling through the entrance came

The owner of the store.

The doddering old lady,

Weak mind and weaker eyes,

Remained completely unaware

Of her new merchandise.

The hungry bear kept statue still

In ambush for its prey,

Prominently centred in

The teddy bear display.

Soon the shoppers trickled in

And sauntered through the aisles,

But only fed that sneaky bear

Bewildered looks and smiles.

Any other predator

Would cramp while they were waiting,

But bears are skilled at staying still;

It’s just like hibernating.

The bear heard parents tell their kids,

“Look, but don’t you touch it!

Massive teddy bears like that

Are way beyond our budget.”

But he didn’t have to wait too long

Before he saw the brat;

Pampered, noisy, ugly and

Mouth-wateringly fat.

“Daddy!” squealed the little swine,

“I want this giant teddy!”

“Darling, no,” the dad replied,

“You’ve got enough already.”

The blighter threw a tantrum,

With screeches, tears and snot,

Screaming till the teddy bear

She wanted had been bought.

This was, of course, the real-life bear,

Who travelled, not by choice,

Back to the whining wretch’s home

In the boot of a Rolls Royce.

“Daddy, move my bear right now,”

The coddled youngster said,

“I want it upstairs in my room

And sitting on my bed.”

Although it nearly broke his back

He listened to the rotter,

Praying for deliverance

From his own horrid daughter.

That night the rascal disappeared

Without much of a struggle;

The bear just gulped her down when she

Came groping for a snuggle.

He rubbed his paws and smacked his lips

And licked around his gum,

Savouring the tasty youth

Now squirming in his tum.

And yet he wasn’t satisfied

With one child in his belly,

So he made a brisk return

Back to his toyshop deli.

By the time the doors unlocked

The set-up was repeated.

The bear was sure his newfound prey

Would never be depleted.

Sure enough, for weeks on end,

More hallians took the bait,

And soon that beastly mammal was

Grotesquely overweight.

He guzzled sons of movie stars

And young tech-giant heirs,

He even swallowed royalty

And pre-teen billionaires.

Any youngster spoiled enough

To make their parents pay

The costly sum to buy the bear

Soon joined the brute’s buffet!

Sometimes, when he listened,

The bear could hear them whining,

As they kicked and strained against

His stretchy stomach lining.

In the meantime, not far off,

A family of six,

Were about to throw a wildcard

Into this story’s mix.

The youngest son, a boy named Ben,

Was in a tricky pickle,

Because in every circumstance,

He couldn’t help but tickle!

He tickled all his siblings,

He tickled mum and dad,

He tickled all the neighbours,

The postman and the cat.

He tickled all his classmates,

The bullies and the teacher,

At church, he tickled through the choir,

The organist and preacher.

They took him to the doctors,

But they just smirked and giggled,

(At the time, admittedly,

Their ribs were being tickled).

“This can’t go on!” Ben’s dad exclaimed,

“My hair is getting thinner!

He even gropes and tickles

While I try to cook the dinner!”

“I’ve got it!” cried the tickler’s mum,

“We’ll buy a giant teddy!

And then he’ll never tickle us;

He’ll tickle it insteady!”

She made some hurried phone-calls,

And in the money trickled,

With generous gifts from everyone

Poor Ben had ever tickled.

The day had come! The funds were raised!

They took Ben to the shop!

They bought the biggest teddy bear

The owner had in stock!

At this point, Ben’s story

Had attracted TV crews

Who’d come to film the tickling boy

And put him on the news.

I’m certain it’s no mystery

To educated thinkers

What teddy bear it was that now

Fell victim to Ben’s fingers…

That bloated, bulging, burping bear

(Who was, by now, quite ill),

Tried his very best to stay

Immoderately still.

Alas, although that crafty bear

Slurped up kids like liquorice,

His greatest weakness was, I fear,

That he was extra ticklish.

He tried his best, he really did,

Not to laugh or squirm;

He tensed his abs, he bit his lip,

He held his brolly firm!

But all at once the laugh escaped

In one gigantic bellow,

Coming from so deep within

It emptied out the fellow!

Spectators wheezed in horror as

The bear spewed out his dinners;

A dozen slimy, harrowed kids

Erupted from his innards!

The former brats, now humbled,

Ran off from where they landed,

Swearing that they’d never take

Another thing for granted.

Ben was drenched in vomit, but

The bear was drenched in shame,

And, weeping, scampered back into

The forest whence he came.

Young Ben, from that day forward,

Disturbed by that event,

Never tickled anyone again

Without consent.

The bear, I’m pleased to tell you,

With aching, mangled guts,

Went on an vegan diet

Of berries, roots and nuts.

The moral of this morbid tale,

If it’s not clear already,

Is (I’ll say this loud and clear)

BE CAREFUL OF YOUR TEDDY!