The Schnook’s Lament 2.0

I hope that you find love and happiness,

Between what you have and deserve,

Exists an abyss,

Your creativity - a mastery of artistry,

Unparalleled beauty - a symphony of brilliancy,

From yarns of marvel and authenticity,

Joy and love and intimacy,

Your tapestry,

A kaleidoscopic impossibility,

From depths of immense intricacy,

You magically weaved,

An inexplicitly beautiful simplicity,

That can only be believed,

Experientially, and understood, intrinsically.

*

Your vanishing act; disappearance

Without a word, without a trace,

A heartfelt pain - that may never change,

It’ll probably stay the same,

The not knowing - in due course

At least means it can’t get any worse

*

Maybe one day you’ll be found,

As your talents become world renowned,

While I’m by myself, camouflaged in a crowd,

Self-medicating with words that sound profound,

Thinking of the dumb things I did to alleviate anxiety,

Thoughtlessly, fracturing your trust and my piety,

Awakening your demons lain dormant – unsightly,

Dark and deranged - the possessive variety.

*

I told you, ________,

I’ve never cheated,

It was just porn, it won’t be repeated,

Defending the worst in me -

It’s not that bad, you’re acting crazy,

With complacency, ignored those boundaries,

Now they tell me - plenty of fish in those seas,

When a dolphin is fresh in your memories,

All you see in saltwater – unappealing anchovies.

*

I told you, ________,

To achieve success, requires an audience,

Palatability - a necessity,

To be completely free in your creativity,

Before you break all the rules,

Dictated by the industry…

Then you stopped, and sighed,

As I looked into your puppy dog, brown eyes,

That welled up and became glassy,

All I could see, ugly reflection - me,

Resting your head upon my chest,

Teardrops fell steadily, as I held you tight

…But, you were right

…All along,

You’ll make that film and produce that song,

You’ll perfect that hook and write that book

That’ll make me look,

Nothing less… than a schnook.

*

I’ll hang onto every word and image,

Always be your biggest fan,

Buy a ticket to every show,

Even the one you make to let me know,

“I told you so!”

*

I know that you'll find love and happiness,

And your art – breathtakingly resplendent,

I’ll admire it from a distance

Aa I reminisce,

About those rules and conventions,

You held in such irreverence.

*

Your vanishing act, whereabouts unknown,

Facing cancer and brain tumours,

Oh, the fears that you had sown,

For years we were best friends,

The next day - never seen again,

Cruel or inexplicable, you must admit it strange,

A heartfelt pain, that - may never change,

I'll miss you more than ever,

At best, I’ll miss you just the same.

*

Sometimes I lay down, deep in regret,

Contemplating what could have been,

What should have been, what would have been,

Until I sleep or reach my untimely death.

*

Replacement You’s a diversion,

Pale in comparison,

Haunted by a goodbye,

Where my heart once lay,

You’ll now find a crater,

As hollow as your “See ya later”

*

I hope you no longer cry at night,

Remember that pain is just a part of life,

But, what I’ve always known,

A life without you is a rough way to go.

*

But I know that I’ll find love and happiness,

I think it's in my heart, hidden in my art,

It was in your heart, now somewhere else,

I’ve checked upon my mind’s every shelf,

But I’ll keep looking under every rock,

Picking every single lock,

Delve the deepest depths,

Until I’m out of breaths,

Until I find that love and happiness… we had.

*

You loved how I made everything an adventure,

And all the ways I made everything more fun…

Better late than never,

I became a better listener,

Let go of self-directed anger,

My muse, we were one another’s

Ideal collaborator,

My favourite actor, you were always the better filmmaker,

The heights and places I wanted to take you,

Those dreams yet to die,

I can show you that they’re all still alive.

*

It’s all my fault,

Chances blown,

But in mistakes made, I was not alone,

You did things to me,

I’d never dare do to you,

At least mine were on a screen,

No semblance to reality,

Your excuses, coping mechanisms to deal with pain,

You couldn’t forgive me,

Even though mine were the same.

*

I never thought you’d ever leave,

Still find it all hard to believe,

Mistakes were made, that we can’t take back ,

A life deprived of all we had,

Do you think that you can handle that?

*

I won’t give up, I won’t stay down,

Maybe you’ll come around, who knows,

But you should know, I may still,

Thoroughly, in love with you,

I'm really scared that may never change,

But I'm over being so afraid, mindset now rearranged,

Not completely selfless…

I really hope we both find love and happiness.