The Mechanics Report

THE MECHANICS REPORT

My car was playing up one day

it needed to be fixed

the mechanic seemed to be quite concerned

The diagnosis was quite mixed.

He said it requires a thorough inspection

and the outcome may narrow your smile

with the dilapidated condition it’s in

This may take a while.

The assessment started with the words

“This car has taken a beating

the transmission is under performing

and the engine is overheating.

It looks to me like you hit the dirt

at the same time you hit a rock

I’ve spotted leaking sump oil below

and there’s a piston through the block.

You have no spare wheel in the boot

and the tire brands are overrated

the tread has practically disappeared

and your pressures are under inflated.

I found some water in the petrol

and sand throughout the gears

no one’s scribbled in the service book

for nearly seven years.

The car body is a little shaky

the doors open - but only just

you have paint that’s fading rapidly

and a trunk space full of rust.

The seals are profusely leaking

and the hoses have gone all soft

it’s emitting smoke and toxins

and the muffler is hanging off.

The lights have got no power

and your high beam ain’t real large

your battery has no voltage

because the alternator doesn’t charge.

The interior reeks of an odor

and the driver’s seat is torn

the speedometer doesn’t operate

and the air-conditioning’s warm.

The reservoirs have lost their caps

the power steering is out of oil

and with a faulty radiator cap

I’m surprised it hasn’t boiled.

My assessment is now complete

and I’m shooting from the heart

you have a ageing vehicle there

that’s basically falling apart.

So if you want my honest opinion

and you’ll be needing lots of luck

I’d post it on the car sales site

and ask for eighty bucks”.

© 2022 Neale Kirkland