The Lottery

Disclaimer: your birth is not satisfaction guaranteed.

All places, times, and circumstances are randomly assigned.

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The body assigned to you may not be to the liking of your brain.

The brain assigned to you might not be to the liking of anyone.

The sorting process is ineffable;

circumstances, positive or negative, may or may not

be dictated by some unknowable logic or reason, or may be

completely guided by chaos and chance.

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No warranty is currently available on length of lifetime,

which can range from a millisecond to over a hundred years.

If given life is terminated by Applicant Soul, Applicant Soul must

wait a period of no less than one century (100 years) to apply again.

If given life is terminated by another party, Applicant Soul

may immediately reapply to be sorted to the next available receptacle.

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This will hurt.

Amount of pain depends upon the sensitivity

of your given body’s receptors.

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Warning: objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Stay seated until clearance into current world is acheived.

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Throughout performance hereafter referred to as ‘Life’, anything

you say can and will be held against you, if not

in a court of law, in the endless looping circuits of your own brain.

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The aforementioned brain may, at any time, without your knowledge

or express consent, participate in a BOGO deal on personality disorders

(Cluster B most often sold as set). In this event, all sales are final;

no returns or exchanges allowed.

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Rage is an antihistamine.

Guilt is a sedative.

Do not drive or operate machinery under the influence of despair.

The heart is not a consenting party and can therefore not be

held liable in the case of lost or misplaced love

(See fine print for details).

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Our sponsors would like you to be advised

that while money cannot buy happiness, it can buy stability

in the form of serotonin, and serotonin costs 10 dollars with

insurance for a 3-month supply from most accredited retailers.

Effectiveness is subject to the rules and regulations

of the brain in which you reside.

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Play at your own risk,

but be advised that the risks of opting out

of participating at all may be greater than the risks of playing.

Studies have found that playing for love of the game produces

higher satisfaction in participants than playing to win.

This likely stems from general inconclusiveness around what

it means to 'win', but feel free to take whatever approach you like:

After all, it's your life.

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By signing below, you signify your understanding

of the stakes laid out and your agreement to the above terms

in full. Congratulations: you may now look forward to drawing

your first breath!