The Life I'll Never Have

And I'm building a life with you,

We're dancing in the kitchen

And playing with our children,

We're fighting and making up,

I'm falling asleep beside you,

We're buying a place to live,

I'm coming home to you,

I'm composing and proposing,

(my bride,

you would be so beautiful).

But it's all in my head,

And I know

(I know,

I know)

It won't be.

You already have your someone

(and truly, I love her, too)

And the life you've built together

Is something you've let me into

But I'm still on the outside

Staring at what

I'll never have;

The kind of bond that comes

With time, with sharing, with creating life…

...

I need to learn how

To be Alone,

(as uncomfortable as it is)

And I need to become

A full, whole person

Outside of what I can give.

I finally found a love

That fulfills,

And it kills me

Because I still

Can't be happy.

I keep seeking

Validation where

I should be

At peace; I'm longing

And I think,

ultimately,

my problem is

I'll never be

satisfied.

...

I'm confused by

Being loved for me,

(For real,

For once)

So afraid to lose,

Always played it safe

And these are uncharted waters

In so many different ways.

In waves

I'm breaking

And building upon

Something to become

Solid.

I go with the flow,

And so everything

Washes away,

Kept making the

Same mistakes.

So now, I'm building a ‘me’

That is sturdy,

That will be worthy

Of whatever is

Meant to be–

For you,

For her,

And for me.