The Lie of Hopelessness

I didn’t clean the house again

I didn’t even get up

I wasn’t a good mom today

The guilt overwhelmed me anyway

I didn’t care to be a daughter, sister, or anybody’s friend

Just another day of being nothing crushed down on my smothered chest

The thing crept right in again and crouched patiently beneath my breast

I got up and out of bed again finally to make amends

I folded my clothes, put away my stuff, and made my final plans

I gave away my things today and felt a little better

I smiled throughout the day thinking kindly of all the others

The sadness that weighed heavy was lifted by a fraction

I found a way to cut through the anxiety and be rid of all distractions

Knowing that I would no longer be such an utter burden took away the pain in me and gave a voice to all that was hurting

It was without a doubt the only thing I knew for certain

That my solution though misguided, effectively removed the source of all the damage

Now all that remains of me are angry unanswered questions, fast fading memories,

regrets, and one permanent solution

to what was, in all honesty, a temporary situation

If I could just undo the crime I can say with passion that I would not succumb to the seduction of nothingness everlasting

I would not believe the whispers I would see past the disguise and call it like it is, nothing but a lie

A lie designed to hurt the ones I hate to disappoint and forever passes the weight of my depression squarely on their shoulders

This pain I’m speaking of grows claws and festers deep inside

Its greed is insatiable, it paints one’s world in murky grey and makes a person to forget the beauty of possibilities in each new day

It’s so deceptive and conniving in its total destruction, too many keep it secret

Too many are embarrassed

Too many fall prey

It is devastating and leaves loved ones behind with nowhere to turn to or even to ask their questions Like why I had to leave and forever stay away

Such is this disease in all its selfishness

The destroyer of joy’s light in life

The lie of hopelessness