The Invisible Cage

There is no love for me.

I do not say such as a self-pitying observation, but as an accurate assessment of my place in this world.

It's unfortunate, considering that romance has been at the core of my life’s desire since before I can remember. Fantasies of adventure and love fulfilled embodied my dreams at night. Robin and Marian, Scott and Jean, Peter and Wendy, Kitty and Piotr.

As I come to accept this lonely fate I am faced with a new challenge.

If not love, then what?

I was raised in a cage with invisible bars; my awareness of my value limited to understand that I was only worth as much as I could attract.

Attracting was never actually the problem. Many men walked by my cage to admire me through the bars, only to eventually walk on by. It was convincing them to join me in the cage that I was never good at.

Eventually one lingered by the gate, asking me why I hadn’t left. He would lean against the invisible bars as though he actually saw them, and while I would have expected a cocky grin and a sparkle in his blue eyes, he was completely serious and almost somber. His hands tightly tucked into the pocket of his hoodie as if that was his only line of defense.

“If not to be loved, what is the point of life?”

The smile that spread his lips was more sad than arrogant—he understood both my desire to stay inside the enclosure as well as the freedom that awaited me on the other side of the locked gate. And while he recognized that I was imprisoned, he couldn’t quite bring himself to promise that freedom wrought with loneliness was better than being loved in a cage.

He looked back at me as he walked along the path and mouthed silently words it took me months to understand.

“The gate is unlocked when you’re ready. Just remove the hinge pins”

I waited in my cage for two more years, and in that time not a soul strode the path. I am faced with no more ignorance to hide behind. There is no love for me in this cage, and there is no love for me outside of it.

But there is freedom.

I will never find the love fulfilled that my heart breaks for, but I can still find the adventure. My hands tremble as I finger at the pins in the hinges of my invisible gate. He was right—they came undone with a touch, and the gate fell with only a slight push.

I am alone.

I will never be loved.

And I am free.