The Human Body Has Ways Of Shutting It Down

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down” — U.S. Senate candidate Todd Akin

“Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that . . . is something that God intended to happen” — U.S. Senator Richard Mourdock

“they had no problem having similar to a [forced, unnecessary] trans-vaginal procedure when they engaged in the act that resulted in their pregnancy” — Right-wing talking head Dana Loesch

“Pregnancy is not a life-threatening illness” — Senator Ted Cruz

The Human Body Has Ways Of Shutting It Down

I hear the human body, once said a clown,

In legitimate rape, has ways of shutting it down.

And so I entreat you to imagine a man of his ilk,

Drunk, wearing “provocative” boxers of silk,

Abducted from corn field, or maybe a glen,

Sucked into a flying saucer by little green men.

As regards this absurdist tale of a pro-life senator,

The first human-alien hybrid progenitor,

I must emphasise I don’t mean to depict him,

Though entirely unconscious, as at all as a victim,

For, folks, I have proof to the rape he consented,

After watching Orion’s Revenge I hear he lamented,

“Three-breasted Martians? How I do crave,

To be a green-skinned babe’s brainwashed sex slave!”

The senator has flashbacks as he starts to disrobe,

“Doctor, do you think we could please skip the probe?”

The doctor examines him and intones with gravity,

“I’m afraid the alien will burst from your chest cavity”,

Then shrugs, “What a tragedy, but what can we do,

There’s already a heart cell, no, wait, there’s two”.

“You know, I’ve championed the rights of the unborn”,

Says our senator, shoulders slumped, looking forlorn,

“They can’t cast a vote or donate to election campaign,

Yet at least once they’re born they need nothing again”.

Years later, a Republican candidate of immoderate views,

Is asked a pertinent question on Channel 4 news,

“Xyllon, is it true, are your policies anti-mankind?”

Says he, "I find that offensive, and very unkind,

I’m a great lover of humans, bar none,

Did you know that my very own father was one?"

If you enjoyed this poem, you might also like I Dearly Hope There is A Hell and Ode to a Shower Curtain.