The Cowardly Lion

If I had the courage...

To say all that you need to hear, I’d find the right words to say to you.

If you knew how much I missed you, I wonder if you’d believe it's true.

If I dared to dial your number and face all the words you’d have in store for me. Then I would call every night just to hear your voice say simply... “please, just leave me be.”

I told myself I was stronger and determined, all the things you made me believe about “me.” Or was I mistaken? ... Another lie told to myself, another LOSS I’ll be taking.

I don’t know anymore, what was actually true. My thoughts are all cloudy and blurry. They all seem that way now, when my thoughts drift to you!

And drift often they do... And drift often, they do!

When you walked in “the dungeon” for the first-time it was just attraction that’s truth. But unforgettable it was, and every day my desire to be around you... it grew. Your walk... Always you walk, so a step behind I would always move.

My day was never comfortable until you walked in the door. My joy began with you and when you were not there everyone knew, it was not gonna be the same kinda day. It's true! Even when I just left you, you not walking in the door later, is all it took to ruin my day!

Then came the night that changed everything I knew, cuz we drove the long way... Rather I made it longer to steal an extra moment with you as I tried to do almost every day. Long nights that didn't end, cuz we never wanted them to! It was wrong and we knew it! Before we even began you told me I would blow it... It was true!

My Destiny, my fate so cruelly placed you in front of me. I played with hearts and broke my own. Classic stupid-decision me! I lost because I was scared to give it all to you when it would have mattered... I wish that it still mattered. I wish it still mattered to you!

The brown eyes you would hide were more beautiful than you would ever believe, no matter how many times I told you, my favorite part was having them looking back at me. Perfect flaws on your hands, scars so beautiful, roughly smoothed out from life...a life that had been lived fully, and every detail shared, touched me truly.

Each line, wrinkle (sorry), beauty mark, bump, and blemish, only made god’s canvis stand out and shine, his picture so much more vivid, he made you a star in my eyes.

Different to be different and I loved every second of it! Unapologetic for nothing, which is why now, I'm in the thick of this isht. “Back down for who, sorry for what, no way, no how!” That what I loved about you then, and that’s what kills me now.

We spoke without speaking in packed rooms, just “us” was there. Me and you! In every situation, we spoke. You to me, me to you. You read my thoughts and I spoke your language until.. Somehow that was not true. How could we communicate so much and now can’t speak at all, what happened to me and you?! How did we completely fall?

How can it be that it’s all wrong now ... how can I know in my heart that nothing will ever be the same, how come I can’t get through a day without hearing your name? How can I find the courage to show my face to the world when I only wanted to show the world that you were worth everything in it, for me.

“Not her, not you, you! You, not right for me?” Everyone said it, so I ignored it. I knew who you were, the “one” for me. Or was this all just another one of those “classic-stupid decision me?” Bad choices we grow from... Bad dreams that happen to those who never sleep!

Why do I still want to believe ... why can’t I believe. Why won’t your memory, let me be. How did you make a place in my heart, head, entire universe, and why won’t you let me be. B, BE, Bee, B3, I3E... why can’t I just be! Why can’t I move on... what’s so wrong with me?

I still love you, I know I always will ... I just wish that it still mattered. I wish that it mattered ... still!