The Confederate Patriot

The son of a Baptist preacher

Who showed up to the “Show Me” state

Confederate as the day is long

and driven by his northern hate

Romanticized as Robin Hood

This fierce outlaw with two first names

Can one rhyme U.S. History

without bringing up Jesse James?

His father died in the gold rush

excusing him out of the plot

Zerelda his mother married

someone else rich that she ought not

No property rights for women

but they would need to keep the farm

There were slaves under her control

from a time THAT wouldn't alarm

She divorced when that was the scourge

You can come tell me I’m wrong

Then she married a guy they liked

just to keep moving things along

They were raised to fight for their right

to OWN a small population

In the days before “Bleeding Kansas”

Under the “Pierce” Administration

Zerelda would raise her two boys

to win at whatever the cost

Furrowed eyebrow and a flared nostril

Sympathies from her would be lost

She'd school them on tactics and war

and taught her boys how to shoot guns

She'd solidify their sir name

when the north would take on her sons

Fort Sumter sparked the Civil War

in the year 1861

Frank James went into the battle

before his brother had begun

He was fighting for the rebels

which should not come as a surprise

When the union came-a-knockin'

and then commenced to terrorize

They'd torture Zerelda’s new Beaux

Jesse and his mother INCENSED 

This would kindle the flame, Id say

with the enemy they're against

Zerelda gave Jesse his guns

and then told him to go to work

“Be a bushwhacker, son of mine

and every yankee is a jerk”

Under “Bloody” Bill Anderson

Jesse rode for the stars and bars

He's only 16 at this point

dealing with emotional scars

September 1864

while pillaging the railroad track

They'd come across union soldiers

who were off duty to attack

The train was something from the north

“fair” game as far as they were concerned

They'd rob the regular customers

and made sure the union ones burned

Soldiers who were on their way home

Unarmed; they were lined in a row

80 men with a score to settle

Their own “justice” they would bestow

Then Samuel Cox got involved

and along with HIS cavalry

they would ambush those Bushwhackers

deploying the ultimate strategy

A musket ball through “Bloody” Bills skull

Instead of playing Duck, Duck, Goose

Jesse watched his mentor die

Which probably knocked something loose

Then Jesse would get himself shot

while his brother Frank got captured

Frank was forced to pledge loyalty

Which today sounds rather absurd

Jesse had his recovery

to follow his brother's footstep

He was a prisoner of war

further nurturing his contempt

The union may have won the prize

but Jesse was not done fighting

His brother Frank was not either

I hope you’d find THIS exciting

They joined up with another gang

the Youngers who shared in their view

They'd fight the north with every ounce

just doing what all bad guys do

They would kill for the sake of killing

in the middle of piracy

They were really campaigning for

the rise of the Confederacy

They would rob banks in broad day light

above this certain parallel

The 34th if you’re wondering

what separates Heaven from Hell

These entities were northern run

and prime candidates to be stuck

then they'd honor ex-southern troops

with the stolen booty they'd struck

Or at least that is the rumor

there’s debate to count this fiction

In order to apotheosize 

and embellish Jame’s depiction

They'd leave behind publicity

in order to further their cause

and Jesse James was recognized

as the leader of these outlaws

Introducing the Pinkertons

a company of private dicks

They were working with the railroad

for this problem they need to fix

They pulled a raid on the James farm

and his half brother would be killed

Zerelda endured some injuries

leaving the James’ gang less than thrilled

Once Frank blew his  neighbor away

for hosting the Pinkertons' stakeout

And then they went to Minnesota

where this gun fight was bound to sprout

They were gonna rob another bank

over 400 miles away

Northfield wouldn't rollover though

Hosting this real bloody melee

Over the banker’s dead body

the town folk were ready to go

A black powder storm thundered in

challenging these boys toe to toe

No one would make it out unscathed

and two gang members lost their lives

A great neighborhood watch program

when even their DOGS carried knives

THOUSANDS of men would posse up

rallying for the James' gang’s defeat

Scared while bleeding from injuries

and all James could do was retreat

They'd split during this horse speed chase

and the Younger gang would be caught

Jesse James would become a drunk

You should see the replacements he got

Frank would leave his brother behind

because the new crew was cockeyed 

He surrendered and was acquitted

and put this behavior aside

Jesse James had turned paranoid

while the Ford brothers hung around

They would sell him up the river

or at least put this sucker down

Motivated by greed and promises

and levels in over his head

Robert Ford pulled the trigger

and our outlaw would wind up dead

This bounty would never award

and Bob would be sentenced to hang

Apparently WE’VE been lied to

“Dead or Alive” is NOT a thang

He was given a pardon though

and a shotgun blast to the back

Ten years later, but that’s how it goes 

when karma is on the attack