The Color Around

All my life I've been surrounded by color

But I haven't felt it

I'm not able to touch it

Everytime I try to grasp it

It disappears

I see color

I hear color

I taste color

I smell color

But I never touch it

No matter how much I want to

Color is everything and anything

At least it should be

It's everywhere except in me

Color is bright and happy

It's living life surrounded by friends and family

By people you love

It's in your favorite food

And in your favorite candle

It's in music

And in art

It's in nature

And it's in warmth

And as much as I can see it

I can't touch the color

I can't grasp the happiness color gives

Without color the world is dull and cold

It's shades of grey with specks of color showing up for seconds

Those bits of color don't last

At least they haven't yet

I don't remember a time when I wasn't surrounded by color

But not able to touch it

I've not been happy

I've not been full of color for a long time

Probably since I was a child

As much as this color is seen

As much as this color is heard

It can't seem to stay

The happiness of listening to my favorite song doesn't last

The happiness of creating a drawing I'm proud of doesn't last

Nothing lasts

Nothing truely makes me happy

My life is full of color

But I am not

However I'm working to change that

I'm doing things I like

I'm finally getting a good amount of sleep most nights

I don't have friends

My family is rarely there for me

But I'm learning to love myself regardless of if there are people there for me

I'm learning how to be myself by myself

And that's hard

But it's showing me strength that I didn't think I had

I'm taking medication to make sure my bodies working mostly right

Because meds can't fix everything and there are always side-effects

I'm learning to be happy

Learning to grasp that color

And slowly

So very, very slowly

I'm learning how to

And I cannot wait

To touch

To feel

To be

That color

That happiness

I'm greatly looking forward to that