That’s Not True

You never loved me

That’s not true

Then why did you leave

I was disappearing

We could have fixed it

You mean we could have fixed ME

No, WE could have fixed IT

No, you were always asking ME to apologize

That’s not true

It’s why I was disappearing

You haven’t apologized to me

I have. You’re never going to get the apology you want from me.

Because you won’t apologize

No, you want me to be sorry for leaving. I’m almost sorry to say that I’m not. I almost feel bad about not feeling bad.

Almost?

Almost.

This is exactly why I didn’t want to get married.

I know. I am sorry I pressured you into it. Yet, I still consider that in the end YOU had to convince ME.

Why did you wan to get married so bad?

It’s what I thought people who love each other did

You don’t love me

That’s not true. I had to love myself more.

You took up all the emotional space in the relationship

Maybe. So why aren’t you relieved that I left?

We could have fixed it

Maybe

I can’t decide if I love you, miss you, or hate you.

I completely understand

Then why don’t you talk to me. Are you afraid you will come back?

Maybe.

Don’t you miss us?

I sob now. I sob because life is scary without a life partner. With you, I cried secretly.

Why did you keep it secret?

Because I didn’t want to make you feel bad. Too many times when I did cry in front of you, you thought I was manipulating you.

You were.

Maybe. I wasn’t trying to.

Why do you keep saying maybe?

I’m leaving space for truths I do not know.

I tried every day for you.

I know. Sometimes someone’s best isn’t enough.

You know I was overwhelmed. You needed to do better too.

I was trying to do better. My best wasn’t enough for you either. You always talked about impact over intent. Why didn’t you think about your impact?

I -

I’m not finished. I know you were overwhelmed. It’s why I tucked myself away for you. There was always something more pressing than my needs.

That’s not true. Why didn’t you tell me?

I tried. You got frustrated that I asked more of you. You wanted me to apologize when you felt I had wronged you. You avoided apologizing when I felt you had wronged me.

We were supposed to spend our lives together. You were my safe space.

You were not mine.

You didn’t make me nor let me be your safe space

I tried. You were a safe harbor that wsa closed too often to be reliable

I hate you

I understand

I’m disappointed in you

I’m disappointed in you too

Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?

I could no longer take care of your feelings

Why didn’t you stay?

Because I finally took your advice: I prioritized myself

Did it have to come at the cost of me?

I didn’t want it to. Yes.

Why?

I was disappearing

How.

I was taking care of you

I don’t know how when I was the one who always felt like the parent

I didn’t ask for that.

That was your impact.

Okay.

Aren’t you sorry for that?

I don’t like to apologize when I didn’t do anything wrong.

You’re being petty.

Yes.

You’re making me look bad.

You made me feel bad.

So did you.

I know.

This is going nowhere.

It’s not going where you want it to.

That’s not fair.

You’re right.

So let’s fix it.

I don’t want to. My body can’t decide if I feel bad about saying No.

But it’s fixable.

Maybe.

It is.

Even if it is, I can’t do this anymore.

Deal with me?

I wouldn’t put it that way, but that’s the result

Fuck this. Any last words to say to me?

I do love you.

That’s not true.

Maybe.