Tell All: The Story of Lu I

"Watch me fall in love, diving off this cliff, right into your arms."

When darkness overcame, there was no star in sight. I could find no light. Here I beg of whatever God. Find my peace. Find me some hope. And still nothing ever came.

At 16 years old I was realizing my sexuality. Hand in hand with my trusted advisor. A boyfriend so sweet, he made me sick. He promised to be by my side. Until the darkness sought me like sin seeks an alcoholic. So fast and so easy. That boy faked his death and took my heart with him.

In dark rooms, no one can see the burns if I don't use a flame. And they can't see the noose until it's too late. They can't see my starved stomach and my eyes wide open when I should be sleeping. Nobody cared anyway. I asked my closest friends to love me. And I was shunted to the side.

I tried to find some healing in the world around me. A brief walk only clouded my head. These conversations only led to me hurting my heart. What's the point of existing if he doesn't love me? I was naïve and innocent and he took advantage of that.

"'It's raining. It's pouring.

It's four in the morning.'

-Anson Seabra

and I tried to lay back down

but last time

I slept with nightmares of you.

I woke with eyes

reflecting this rainy night.

The floods can't outdo my bedsheets.

Lightning flashes outside

my voice mirrors this thunder

and I become the morning,

drowned in my own loneliness.

So rain please stay

I'm tired of crying in the quiet.

Rain don't go away

I've begged my heart to stay

and every night it runs away."

In the darkness I lived. In this misery I soaked. Can you tell that this was my blood that I bled but it was his words that I screamed?

Days after he died, lives were taken. Down in Orlando. One pulse, two beats, three gunshots, and four screams. Here lays their blood. Here stands my fears. My closet burnt to the ground and as I walk out of the darkness I find all the hate I ever feared. There across the country was a building of liberated people who had only loved. Too late for me to turn back now. Too late for me to find the hand that I was used to holding.

These flowers didn't smell the same and my mind never felt this maimed. Losing my sanity had never hurt quite like this. I swear I was driving down some back road, tossing chunks of my brain into the woods.

I just needed some light. Where was my rainbow? Why can't I escape this nightmare? I just want to wake up. Can you feel my jumpiness? Do you see me losing it all?

Let me live on in this mess

finding some hope for this stress.

Let me die in these shadows

my heart has never been so hallow.

I've laughed at your goofiness

these smiles just for us I guess.

When smiles fade

I've learned to hate the present we made.

This is a song I sing

of back and forth

struck in my left wing

never knowing my own self-worth.

Let me find some light

to keep me moving on.

I promise things will be alright

Eventually the night becomes dawn.

This doesn't start a happy story. This Once Upon a Time begins as a nightmare. This is the lonely you don't dream of. This is the evil you know belongs to someone else. But don't you worry. Where evil lies, someone must have a good heart. And while things may not always be as they seem and real love is never clean, my story is not all mean. Things are complicated and that only becomes clearer as the tale goes on. Here is my tell all, a story of how I fell in love with a man that saved my life.