Teetering On a Cliff

Today was one of those days that was a little bit “off,”

not quite as good as I had hoped

it would be when reflecting about it in my diary after getting home.

My boss gave me my performance assessment and it was going incredibly well until he looked at me with a facial expression of heavy regret

as if to press a button he didn’t want to have to.

I knew to my senses I wasn’t going to be entirely out in the clear,

bracing for the possibility of either “nearly bad news”

or straight up “bad news”

and sure enough he spoke to me about how I’m getting my final warning

the incredible weight of the news falling on my shoulders so heavily,

so suddenly, it was a lot to process in the moment.

Still is as of writing this, but I’ve accepted it with a simple statement

“it is what it is”

It feels like I’m on a car teetering precariously between a long way down

to my old friend, rock bottom, or staying stable on the ground

“I cannot go back to the way I was last year… I just absolutely can’t”

I began to think about what I had riding on me having this job as any other person would especially in a moment like this,

being so close to lose your job

because of one minor mistake accelerating you past the necessary write ups and warnings before you go straight into ‘the final warning’

Thought about how I’m going to be able to make my car payments, how I’m going to support myself,

and pay off the bills I have all going at the same time

It seems impossible to my mind…

The weight of the situation finally hit me when I drove away from the parking lot where none of my other coworkers could see

and my tears just came pouring like a stream of pain and confusion

The worst part is trying to start something new, like this job, to break a pattern ongoing in recent years in hopes that I could have a brighter future

Just as the ‘honeymoon’ phase of settling into a new job past,

now something has to happen where I might be at jeopardy of losing it altogether

Something I wasn’t anticipating but had a feeling at the back of my mind

and since the assessments began this week, I was uncomfortable

knowing that maybe one of my mistakes might drag me down a little bit

Turns out it was a lot further down that I had previously thought and I’m still shocked and saddened by the whole ordeal

no matter how I try to process it

Now the future remains really “uncertain” just as I was starting to get on stable ground for once in my life and beginning to hit new ground

after losing an entire year of stagnation and regression all at once,

never have I been so close to being jobless once more

therefore I lay down in my bed tonight, pondering about the days ahead

of a truly uncertain future unraveling.