Take when needed

Sweaty palms hold the bottle of essential oil,

“be calm” it says.

I'm anything but.

I can feel it closing in,

Inhale....exhale.

Count to 20.

There's a bottle in my purse,

little orange pills nestled inside, dusted with fragments of

hope,

stability,

normal.

I close my eyes,

Inhale.. exhale.

Recite the alphabet.

My name is written across the label

“Take when needed” it says.

I reach for them,

inhale. Exhale.

Three deep breaths.

I don't want to need them.

I hold one in my hand,

“Take when needed”

I pop it, the promise of calm to come in less than thirty

so why oh why do I feel so dirty?

“take when needed” it says.

I close the lid, put the pills back in the purse,

close my eyes.

Inhale. Exhale...