Swim

Teeth chattering

Throat tightening

Fear right in front of me

"Don't be afraid. I'm right here. You can jump here."

"I can't. I won't."

She looks at the teacher, then back at me.

The teacher grabs a device.

Simple, inanimate, elongated, and floating.

It's a pool noodle.

I jump.

I grab onto it for dear life.

I hold. Bobbing up and down in the pool's waters.

The foam noodle, not the kind to eat in ramen, I held onto.

"Why would he jump into the noodle, but not into my arms."

"You let go last time," I thought.

My teeth stopped chattering. The water's a blanket below its surface. The air can't touch me.

I love you Mom, but not then.

Tears streaming, knees shaking, throat aching. Heart hurting.

Sure, it didn't seem good, but my emotions are right.

I hated you then Dad. I really did.

"STOP! I CAN'T SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM! HELP! I CAN'T SWIM!"

I yelled at the top of my lungs, chasing after you.

You said I could. You said I could swim just fine.

I would get close. You would grab me.

*Whirl*

I'm now on the other side of you. I tried to get a hold of you.

*Whirl*

I'm now on the other side of you again.

It's not fair. Your feet touch the bottom. Mine don't.

*Whirl*

I tried to swim to the wall. You wouldn't let me.

*Fweeet!* A whistle goes off. Swim time is over.

I'm crying. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm hurting.

I should not be the only one in pain.

I rip off the swimming cap from the top of my head. My curls fall down.

*Slap!*

I strike your arm. A red welt is left.

"Ow!"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!"

"That's what I get?"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A JACKBUTT!"

I wasn't in the mood to have my mouth washed out with soap.

Soap, it smells better than it tastes. Yuck.

I'm still angry at you after the shower.

Fast forward now.

Like a knife I cut through water.

Lean, lithe, and seemingly at home. It's not my natural element, but I accept it as my second.

I see. I breathe. I hold. I move this way and that easily.

I feel like a bird, flying through the medium, almost weightless.

On a trip, I was training. We ran in mountains.

We trained for the second time today. Now, we were in the pool.

We ran around in circles. Backwards and forwards.

A small vortex formed.

A shallow pool for an adult. A shallow pool if you know how to swim.

My friend got pulled in.

We were still young. Not even middle-aged if you were 30.

We were still short.

The pool was deepest at six feet. I'm not six feet tall.

Neither is he.

We hear a gargle.

I see water rush into his mouth. His hands go flying in the air.

"Holy Shit!" A teammate says.

I push off the wall, free-styling my way over towards him.

My hand underneath his armpit. I take a deep breath. I hold it.

I hoist him up. He can breathe.

Another teammate, a taller teammate has reached us by now.

My friend was coughing out water. Our teammate grabs him, and drags him over towards the wall.

"You swim like a fish," my coach tells me.

He says it again at a meeting before we leave our vacation training trip.

Years later. I write today. My skin's dry.

I can see the white lines between the copper layers of my skin.

I look out the winder. The skies are blue, just like the waters of a pool.

The ac buzzing overhead. People talking in a place of quiet.

"Shhh."

I think back to swimming.

Swimming.

I swim in my thoughts.

I swim in my troubles.

I swim in my responsibilities.

I swim in my dreams.

I swim in my aspirations.

I swim.

And I always come up for air.

*Gasp*

Like a great sea beast from folklore. A mighty leviathan within the body of a man.

I surface.

One of the mightiest forces of earth, I return to.

One of the mightiest forces of earth, I move in.

One of the mightiest forces of earth, I lost fear of.

One of the mightiest forces of earth, I respect.

Water.

I swim.

From the largest of pools, to the greatest of lakes, to saltiest of oceans.

To the laziest of river to the most turbulent of torrents.

I was uncomfortable.

Now I am comfortable.

That which made contact with my skin.

That which I shut my eyes from, blinding myself.

I no longer fear.

I have limits. I adapt.

I had fears. I learned.

I swim.