Spam Calls

In the first year I picked up every spam call in hopes it might be you

I'd say hello, and if there was any hesitation on the other line I would wait

I would listen for the sound of breathing or held back tears because that's what I immediately felt

And if more than a moment passed and no one said anything I'd whisper your name

Maybe, it would give you the courage to say hey

But then a robotic voice would start or the call would drop and

I'd be left with the echo of what I lost

Again.

I don't answer those calls as much anymore but

I still look for you in the comments

Of our favorite songs I

Read words that sound like you

Only to find

It's not you.

I should've known.

You were never much for

Cryptic words

That was me.

You were about the pictures and that

Message I did receive

Months after the end

And there you were

Wearing the last gift I gave

No caption in sight

You knew I wouldn't need it

I saw it

Read it in your features

Your gestures

Your mood

Your pose

You knew

Our language on display

But you were met with silence that day

And the next

And next month

And the next

and I couldn't speak

But I kept going back

To read the picture letter

You left for me

In a place only I could find it

Until it wasn't there anymore.

I don't know if it was anger

Or self-preservation

But I understand

Because as many times as I

Write your name without

Saying it

I end up often

Deleting

It all

But maybe you

Read

It.

I don't want to hurt

You.

You held the world

In your eyes

And lifted my pain

With a glance

You

Deserved someone

Who

Stayed

Not another one who

Said they would but

Walked away

You scrunched up

Your nose when you

Laughed and

Time stopped

When we talked but

The day that I lost you

I'll never get back.

I'm sorry.

You won't know

The number of nights

I ran upstairs to cry out

To God

How I begged Him

For you to be fine, how

Hearing some songs made me

Freeze on the spot

How

I've written a book by now of

Unsent notes

Because

There was no goodbye

There was only...

No.

Not here.

I hope you

Still

Hear me

I hope

You know

That although I'm not there to say

What I want

I meant every word

That I made mistakes

But you weren't one of them

Though I'm left with an ache

Because I can't

Seem to

Close my heart

It feels like

An abandonment

And I

Can't

Do

That sh

Again.

But I'll find my footing

I promise I will.

Until then

From time to time

I'll pick up

Spam calls

Still.