sometimes the colors dull

my cheeks burnt red while i told her i loved her,

an intimate moment hidden in the safety of my room

in those four walls, we were safe,

hidden in quiet romance that could not be made illegal, no matter what the government said

orange liquid burning my throat, 12 years old and already so tired

i mixed daddys liquor with some orange soda and took a sip

i was well aware of what my kind went through, and i did my best to hide it

despite the warmth that grew when i saw my best friend smile back at me

at sixteen, i began to smoke, yellow flames bursting out of my lighter

i puffed and laughed and ignored the boy who attempted to kiss me

his breath was sour and he looked overcooked,

while she was so gentle and wild and sweet

all i wanted to do was run my hands through her hair

the leaves turned green as the wild girl and the sour boy began to date,

and i began to date too, drinking to help fake my affection, kissing boys and swallowing my shame

i was lost, and there was no map

i was the only one i knew

after all, what kind of girl tries to date her

best friend?

the blue walls in my childhood bedroom embraced me as i finally took a jump,

one sentence and the world knew

and i could breathe

even when they threw fists,

even when faggot was shouted across the street

even when service got denied,

even then

you were wearing purple when i first told you i loved you,

laying side by side with a movie on real low,

and you smiled at me and said i love you too

that was the first time my breath really left,

and i still havent gotten it back

i’m still trying to cool down my flushed cheeks,

while you scribble a rainbow on my paper and tell me

“take a deep breath. i love you too”