Somebody That I Used to Know

Author's Note: This poem might be triggering to victims of abuse, and while this poem was cathartic to write, it may be difficult to read. I also apologize for the Spanish that I left untranslated, but know that many non-native English speakers have to translate themselves and their experiences daily for the rest of us in English-speaking nations. With that, I hope that you can't relate to this, but if you can, I hope you find comfort and catharsis in my words and in the knowledge that you are not alone. If you can't, I hope the intimate view of a piece of my life experience helps you in some way.

“Look at the wall.”

I did as I was told.

“Do you know what it says?”

I nodded.

“What does it say?”

I sighed before reading the passage,

The passage I read a dozen times before.

“Yo pienso cuando me alegro

Como un escolar sencillo,

En el canario amarillo,

Que tiene el ojo tan negro”

I was interrupted. “Who wrote this?”

“Jose Marti” I replied.

“Keep reading.”

“Yo quiero, cuando me muera

Sin patria, pero sin amo,

Tener en mi losa un ramo

De flores, y una bandera.”

The commanding presence of the man was softened

As these last words escaped my lips.

With tears in his eyes and a shakiness in his voice he asks

“Do you know what it means?”

I nod solemnly.

“Por favor, mija” he begs,

“Do this for me when my time comes.”

~~~

I can still hear the screams

The footsteps

The crashing

The yelling

I can never unhear them

They have shaped who I am

For better or for worse.

I can hear his voice,

Rough and hoarse on the phone.

I can still feel the hole in my stomach

Consuming me from the inside out

The second I hung up.

I knew it would come to this

I felt the pit in my stomach

As my ringtone resonated through my flat.

I could hear the impending heart break

In the timbre of his voice

His accusatory tone

My eyes welling with tears

Before anything had even been said

Anticipating the verbal beating

I would have to take yet again

From someone who should be

My protector

My champion

My stability.

But nothing about this was stable

Nothing about my relationship was stable.

Every

Single

Day

was an emotional earthquake

My stomach was constantly in knots

My heart constantly prepared

My adrenaline always pumping

Waiting for that fight or flight moment.

He said he loved me

Though I was not capable of love

I feared him

No matter how much I told him I didn’t.

My endocrine system

My emotions

My pre-cognitive reactions

Were all signs of my inherent brokenness

It was contagious.

No matter what I did

I would always be a source of pain.

~~~

I still see him

In my dreams

In my nightmares

In my memories.

I see him everywhere

My mind is still obsessed

He is still terrifying me

4 years after I disconnected myself from him.

He is still guilting me

Still pointing out my inherent brokenness

Still criticizing my heartlessness

My lack of gratitude

My lack of empathy.

I can still smell his cologne

His house

His truck.

He always wanted more from me

I was never enough

He wanted everything

My time

My sanity

My soul.

~~~

Now I sit here

With two demons fighting in my heart

One persists in avoiding fear

And one can’t bear to be apart.

Which one will win

I’ll never know

Until he ventures to the great unknown

And I fulfill my promise

Con un ramo de flores y una bandera.