Sleeping Soul

Existence can be so unclear, wrapped up in thick fog.

when being alive are just two empty, unknown words.

Will my next step meet solid ground, or sink in a bog?

I envy those able to fly - artists, dreamers, birds.

My previous world stutters and halts, turning upside down

In a moment, something takes hold, shakes the soul awake.

I’m done being a passenger, want to swim, not drown.

I want to go - right now, not wait - and destroy my brakes.

I want! How new, thrilling is those words’ shape and their taste.

a treat so sweet I want to devour it whole and more.

My foundation grinded to dust, everything’s a waste.

Flames that only licked at my skin penetrate my core.

I don’t believe I’ll run out of whatever’s its fuel.

It’s vibrant and bright, too good to not stay for good.

But it ends, as everything must - a fate beyond cruel.

What’s left begs for immolation more than any food.

The impossible spark of passion and sheer, raw hope,

started a fire too hot, too volatile to maintain.

Cold and barren, smudges of coal, I can barely cope.

Like my ashes, I turn bitter - it was all in vain.

Was it worth it? Stepping outside of my previous plan?

The price is high, failure too much of a risk.

Reckless belief that I had wings ends with a harsh slam.

If you never have things to lose, there’s nothing to miss.

Pulled in two sides, before it tears, the body bows out

“Can you stop and reconsider? This cannot be right.”

The mind’s convinced, repeats itself, growing rather loud.

Whatever dared to question it is sick of the fight.

“Have it your way, if you’re so sure, if it’s your true will.

Let go if it’s way too much pain holding onto this.

Please understand, I want you happy, I don’t wish you ill.

May you find and keep forever all that brings you bliss.”

I firmly enclose myself in the walls of my head.

Then act vicious towards each part thinking otherwise.

Inertia of never living is better than death.

All my boldness sinks in defeat, a perfect disguise.

Eager to be correct, my mind grabs the steering wheel.

“Work hard, eat less, fall exhausted into dreamless sleep.

So diligent, oh, that you are; and you’re sharp as steel!

Prove it to them, again, again, you’re someone to keep.”

“Others should be driven the same and keep working hard.”

Enjoying how much I’m needed, I let the load increase.

Mind likes constant chatter of work, shushes at the heart.

Maybe I’m glad I’m too tired to feel I lack peace.

Getting frantic, I stay longer, too much to finish.

When once a month is not enough, then once, twice a week.

Energy on what fulfills me starts to diminish.

Flashes of joy get a bit scarce, shrinking shy and meek.

When not busy, sometimes I'm reached by a distant worry.

Fluctuating, dimming slightly every passing day.

“What about life? What do you want? Is this your true story?”

I ignore it, until at last, the voice fades away.

Nothing hurts now, no doubt creeps in; I am fully there.

Far from that naive, foolish me that I used to be.

I am controlled, I want nothing, I no longer care.

What sort of life awaits me now? Somehow, I can’t see.

I am stable but discontent; hollowness, a lack.

Options many; what's the right one? Don't know, cannot feel.

Dreams unnerve me with insistence that I should turn back.

“Deep down, you know well and fully that you once were real.”

“So I'm not now? Does it matter? What’s left if I question?”

“Breaking free of what holds you down, coming back alive.

It isn't tied to an event you can't even mention.

You have all you're going to need to expand and thrive.”

“But I’m so scared. What if I hurt? Healing is so hard.”

“Isn't it worse when fear leads you and dulls all your shine?

You're beautiful and so brilliant when you're in your heart.

You long for life, your blood filled with unsung, secret rhymes.”

Whispers grow bold, fill me up and pour out from my ears

and the last attempt to maintain control floats away.

I stand naked, warm all over - was I always here?

As I stretch and delight in it, I know I will stay.

Laughter bubbles out from my throat - I am what I seek

Joy grabs me and leads me to dance, splits me into song.

When it quiets, it leans closer and kisses my cheek.

“Welcome back, dear, how I’ve missed you. What took you so long?”