Sleep

I always wondered if I was strange for instantly having the urge to fall asleep whenever I was at a friend's house. There was a part of me that wanted to. I wanted them to go about their day doing what they wished as I fell asleep on their sofa. Sometimes it wasn’t even at their house. At the table we sat at together in the mornings I would rest my head and hear them talk to each other. I don’t think I ever felt more satisfied than at that moment.

That was the moment I realized I could never live alone. I wouldn’t want to miss out on that feeling of peace. I would be too scared of getting lost in my restless thoughts. I would be too scared to stare out into the darkness of the night and realize that I was alone. I think it is a matter of safety. People can only fall asleep if they feel safe and satisfied with what they have done.

For me that could only be achieved by the security of knowing that I’m not alone. That I could live passively and there would still be people. People I love and care about floating around me living their own lives but making the choice to be there.

I think it comes from the deep rooted fear that I am a burden. That one day I’ll cost too much and no one will stay but that of course is a problem for another day. For now I’ll enjoy the sleep well it lasts.