Since you last saw me

Since you last saw me, the sun we share has set,

since you last saw me, we’ve both become depressed,

since you last saw me, I feel like I’ve been wilting,

at first I blame you, but finger pointing makes me guilty.

Since you last saw me, I’ve shed blood, sweat and tears,

since you last saw me, I’ve succumbed more to fear

since you last saw me, I’ve become locked in a box,

stuck inside a room where only you can remove the locks.

Since you last saw me, my body has aged,

my eyes have grown hollow, my demeanour has changed,

since you last saw me, I’ve been hunting for answers,

searching through our past for hints of hate in your glances.

Since you last saw me, I’ve clung onto your memory,

and since you last saw me, I’ve replayed all that you said to me,

and since you last saw me, you’ve moved further away,

and I’m not sure if I miss you

or if I just miss the dismay.

Since you last saw me, I have both weakened and grown stronger,

past highlights remain vivid but the wrongs seem so much wronger,

since you last saw me, I’ve moved on a thousand times

but I know that I’d still crumble

at the right look in your eyes.

Since you last saw me,

all of life has been decay,

I cling onto the sinking ship

that you said would be okay,

you’d think that I’d know better

and know how to behave

but I choose to believe

your delicious

sweet nothings

and brace myself for a watery grave.

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How did I get so old

so fast

and where did all

of that purity end up?

The innocence of youth —

that playfulness —

dissipated into a thick dust

I choke on while walking through

these abandoned cityscapes,

expressing myself to nothing,

searching high and low for the warmth

you once held openly, the

flame that you protected

extinguished by something unseen,

my actions, perhaps, or something else

casting a shadow where light used to live.

Since you last saw me,

the flame has dwindled,

sand dropped upon sparks.

I walk through a lonely dream,

detached,

reaching,

missing,

reaching,

missing,

still trying,

still living

but more frequently asking why,

more often wondering where things started to shift

where this permeating sadness laid its roots.

Since you last saw me,

I reverted backwards

an agonising transformation,

returning to childhood,

the helplessness familiar

the repetition of sadness

now a comfort.

I try to carry it myself,

because since you last saw me

I’ve been cut off and alone,

struggling now to open myself,

to reveal the pains that blacken my heart

to show the sensitivity I long to be rid of,

to be myself, feeling the connected cost

regardless,

maybe willingly.

Since you last saw me,

the idea of me has changed

and I don’t think

you could ever love

this sickly present form,

its grip on life loosened,

turned pathetic

and lethargic.

Since you last me,

I’ve been barely treading water

now slipping under,

quietly soothed

by the startling cold.

Since you last saw me,

we both became

something else,

suffocating on the poisons

of incompatibility,

blindly pretending,

putting plasters

over falling buildings.

The water

was never this cold

before.