Silence

It is silent tonight.

Dead silent.

Not the kind of silent that I usually experience,

today it is truly... silent.

I’m gonna tell you something.

There are eight parts of me.

Eight people with names that all are a part of me.

They coexist in my mind

having conversations,

warning me,

being paranoid.

Sometimes... it gets a little crowded in there.

So I live for nights like these.

Nights where my mind is silent,

And everyone is tucked away in bed.

I think without refrain,

For no one is talking,

enjoying my thoughts

because when it is loud,

my thoughts do not feel like they are mine,

and even the ones that are,

They do not feel safe.

It is on nights like these that you can catch a smile on my face.

Nights where I can bathe in my own thoughts,

Sit in peace and quiet

For it is peaceful.

It is quiet.

it is serene.

So as I lay up, looking at the moon,

I think.

I think of all the places I would like to go,

The people I would like to meet,

And I smile.

I smile at the thoughts playing through my mind,

memories I like to relive

only while I am alone.

I begin to think of my father.

Of all the Starbucks dates,

Him holding my hand.

Or of him picking me up and throwing me up into the air

Before catching me,

Always catching me.

Finally, I think of him leaving.

And I cry.

I look up at the wavy image of the moon,

Distorted by my tears,

And I smile.

I let the tears fall down my cheek

And I stick my tongue out,

Tasting the salty liquid running down my face.

My tears hit my knees

And they fall to my bed.

The pain slowly leaving my body.

I feel a lightness in me as I get to relive these moments,

Normally tucked away for safekeeping.

I get to miss him.

I swing my knees over the edge

And sit on my window sill,

Dangling my feet off of my two story high window.

Memories flooding my brain.

My mouth curls up.

I feel my feet tingle with fear

As I remember days at Disneyland,

Skipping down Main Street.

I long to be a kid again,

Carefree and..

Well, happy.

But I can not.

So I settle for the silence.

I settle for tonight.

Because I know tomorrow

I will have to tuck away my hopes

And my dreams.

I know tomorrow

It will not be silent.

So I sit and look up at the moon

And its stars and I smile.

I settle for,

freedom.