Shudder

Jane,

I can shudder in sunlight, as if it is cold.

I can melt away under the molten heat whilst everyone smiles and dances the day away.

Do you know what it is like to fake emotions with your abuser? I’m sure you must. To have to try and rest around someone who has beat you for years on end and tried to break you emotionally and psychologically from the inside out? To survive just barely scrapping by day by day and now that they have finally changed just so you don’t leave them, you still feel their disgust, their anger, their intense emotions hiding just under the surface? It’s like to shudder constantly under your skin.

To feel the slow dripping of your mortal coil like a broken IV, leaking water at an angle into the wrong vein. It feels so wrong and it hurts and no one can do a damn thing to fix it.

I try so damn hard not to feel my feelings and be happy and try not to miss you, knowing you left because you were just too exhausted by our back and forth letters, this was your own last words … it hurts me more than I can bear, Jane.

But I know if I were to see you right this very second, I know that all I’d do is cry out your name, run over and wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight, so, so close—-and just never want to let you go.

Would you feel that way as I do? Would you understand why I did?

It’s because you’re everywhere and everything and all that I know and wanted…and that’s the truth.

Love,

Edward Rochester